If A Tree Falls In A Forest…

| | Right | April 27, 2009

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant] how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to book a table for three for tonight.”

Me: “No problem, we have one available, what time would you like to come in?”

Customer: “Around 1 am.”

Me: “Um, sir, we close at 11 pm.”

Customer: “But I want a table at 1 am. You should stay open and wait for us.”

Me: “Are you joking?”

Customer: “No, I am not joking. If you wont give me a table at, 1 am I won’t come and eat at your restaurant!”

Me: “Well, you can come here at 1 am, but no one will be here.”

Customer: “Well, I’m going to come down there at 1 am and knock until you open the door!”

Me: “Okay… see you then, sir…”

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From Zero To Karma In 1 Second

| Right | April 27, 2009

(I’m a driving instructor taking a student for his first drive ever. It’s a quiet suburb street, away from major traffic.)

Me: “Okay, just pull out slowly and watch for parked cars…”

(As my student is doing this, a frustrated driver that has been following us pulls into the lane next to us, driving the wrong way since it’s a two-lane road.)

Angry driver: *yells out window* “Learn to f**king drive!”

(The angry driver speeds off … and crashes right into a car heading the opposite direction. Later on, after we’ve pulled over and are waiting for the police…)

Me, to student: “Okay, that’s an example of what NOT to do while driving.”

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More Than He Bargained For

, | | Right | April 27, 2009

(My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.)

Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.)

Customer: “Will you take $4?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.)

Customer: “$5?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.)

Customer: “How about $20 for all three?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Dad was always an agreeable sort.)

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Refund Rejects

| | Right | April 24, 2009

(A couple returns from a theatre to get a refund on a movie they have just seen.)

Customer: “I need my money back.”

Manager: Which movie was it for?

Customer:Kate and Leopold. That was the worst movie, ever!”

Manager: “That movie just ended. I can’t give you a refund for a movie you watched all the way through.”

Customer: “Well, if there were a roach in my food at a restaurant, I would get my money back!”

Manager: “Not if you eat the whole meal, roach and all!”

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Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2

| | Right | April 24, 2009

Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says, put my f***ing power on!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

Caller: *click*

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