Flipping Out

, | | Right | December 8, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”

(Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.)

Caller’s Grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the ’70s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”

(The grandson gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”

Me: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that, too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”

Caller’s Grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”

Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”

Caller’s Grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”

Me: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Tuesday.”

(The grandson relays this information.)

Caller’s Grandmother: “Oh, okay, then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”

Caller: *to me* “Bless you.”

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When Free Advice Gets Expensive

, | | Right | December 8, 2009

(A customer approaches me with a new Blu-ray movie.)

Me: “Ah. Blu-ray is a great choice; it looks amazing.”

Customer: “Great! I’m so excited to watch my first Blu-ray. We just set up the PVR this morning.”

Me: “PVR?”

Customer: “Yeah. Our PVR machine to watch Blu-rays.”

Me: “I’m hate to say this, but PVR’s don’t play Blu-rays. They record live television.”

Customer: *rolls eyes* “Yes, but they play Blu-rays, as well!”

Me: “I am sorry, but they don’t. If you buy this, open up the movie, and then figure out that your machine won’t play it, then I can’t give you a refund. I can’t do refunds on new products that are opened.”

Customer: “Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot, and don’t threaten me! I know this plays Blu-rays! My friend Steve told me it does, and he used to work for a major retailer.”

Me: “Okay, I won’t. Just to ask, where is the disc tray on your PVR?”

Customer: *thinks* “You know, on second thought, Steve also got fired for fraud.”

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Some Years Are More Golden Than Others

| | Right | December 8, 2009

(Note: I work at a restaurant where I have to wear an extremely conservative uniform with minimal makeup and jewelry. I’m serving two elderly ladies.)

Me: “Hey guys, how are y’all doing today? What can I get for you to drink?”

Customer #1: “Coffee.”

Customer #2: “Me too, please.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll have that right out for you.”

Customer #1 to #2: “Doesn’t she look like a gold digger?”

Customer #2: “I was thinking the same thing!” *to me* “Honey, are you a gold digger?”

Me: “Um, no, ma’am. I am just a waitress.”

Customer #1: “Well, come on now dear. It’s obvious that you’re a gold digger.”

Customer #2: “It’s nothing to be ashamed of! Be proud! In all my years of living, I’ve learned it’s the best thing to do–be a gold digger!”

Me: “What?”

Customer #2: “It’s okay to be a gold digger, honey. I’m sure you’re a very good one! You look like you’d be great at it.”

Customer #1: “Yes! Well, I’m glad we know that you’re a gold digger now. I’m proud of you. I’d like cream with my coffee.”

Me: “O…Okay, I’ll have that right out…”

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The Devil To Pay

| | Right | December 7, 2009

Me: “Your total is ***.”

Customer: “Here is my coupon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, this expired last week.”

Customer: “What? What do you mean?”

Me: “It expired last week.”

Customer: “You witch devil! I can’t believe you changed the date!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You can magically alter dates, you devil!”

Me: “I don’t think I have that sort of power.”

(Upon hearing the commotion, my manager comes over.)

Customer, to my manager: “You have a witch devil here! I’m going to have to bring the lord into this!”

(The customer pulls out a bobble head Jesus and puts in on my counter.)

Customer: “I will return when the date of this coupon is the correct date!”

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Sweaty Confetti

| | Right | December 7, 2009

Customer: “I bought one of your bath balls with the confetti in it. It never dissolved and it just left a mess.”

(He points to a bath ball with confetti.)

Me: “We’ve never had a problem with that ball before, but I’ll keep that in mind. I would be happy to give you one without confetti for free so you can enjoy our products.”

Customer: “Oh no, that’s not necessary. I just wanted to tell you guys about it so you can warn other people.”

Me: “Thank you, I’ll definitely let everybody know about that.”

Customer: “Yeah, you should! I mean, now I have confetti all over my house. On my floor, my carpet, my bed, even my couch and living room!”

Me: “Wow, sounds like you had a lot of confetti!”

Customer: “I did! It even got lodged in places.”

Me: “Lodged in places?”

Customer: “Yeah crevices, my crevices! I mean I have to dig it out of places. Anyway, I just came by to warn you guys.”

(He starts heading out, and as he reaches the door he turns around.)

Customer: “BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CREVICES, GIRLS!”

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