Brains Not Included

| Newton, IA, USA | Right | February 26, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is ***, can I get your account number?”

Caller: “Well, I don’t have your service. I just have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

Caller: “My remote doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but we are an internet company and this is internet tech support.”

Caller: “I know that, but why can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t do anything with TVs.”

Caller: “It’s not my TV. It’s my remote.”

Me: “Your remote for your TV?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Your remote for what?”

Caller: “My television!”

Me: “Okay…well, we still can’t help you with that.”

Caller: “This tech support is stupid! You are all stupid!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Caller: “I wouldn’t if you fixed my remote. The buttons aren’t making the television change.”

Me: “Have you tried changing out the batteries?”

Caller: “What do you think I am, stupid, like you? Of course I didn’t do that! It would shut the remote off!” *hangs up*

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Tricky Customers Are Just Killer, Part 2

| Brisbane, Australia | Right | February 26, 2010

(I am sitting on a well known whale watching beach gathering data on migration numbers. I have a pair of binoculars.)

Tourist: “When are you going to put up the flags?”

Me: “Oh, no, I am not a lifesaver.”

Tourist: “Of course you are, who else sits on a beach with binoculars?”

Me: “Actually, I am recording how many whales go by.”

Tourist: “Whales? There are no whales here. This is a swimming beach.”

(I gesture to a pod of 6 whales passing around 50 meters away.)

Tourist: “Oh my goodness, killer whales! My children are on the beach! They could come right out of the water and steal my children!”

Me: “Um, no, they’re humpbacks. They eat tiny little fish and plankton. They can’t come up on the beach, so your children are safe.”

Tourist: “Don’t you know about Moby Dick? He eats people alive. It’s true, it’s in The Bible!” *takes his children and leaves*

 

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Riverdunce

| Auckland, New Zealand | Right | February 25, 2010

(A patron approaches me after sitting through a 3 hour classical concert.)

Patron: “Excuse me, when do they start dancing?”

Me: “Um, there is no dancing ma’am.”

Patron: “Isn’t this Riverdance?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is the New Zealand Symphony orchestra. Riverdance is on at the theatre next door, and finished about an hour ago.”

Patron: “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought this was the warm up act.”

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Rare Flashes Of Intelligence

| Arizona, USA | Right | February 25, 2010

Me: “Police Department, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. I’m over at the truck stop and there’s a girl here selling perfume. But she’s going around to all the truckers and flashing them. I think she’s selling more than perfume.”

Me: “Alright sir, I can dispatch an officer. Can you describe the girl to me?”

Caller: “Oh, about a B cup. Not too bad but nothing you would want to go home and brag to mom about.”

Me: “Er…what about her hair color and skin color?”

Caller: “Oh…I guess your question makes more sense now.”

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The Rule Deep-Ends On How Cute You Are

| Wisconsin, USA | Right | February 25, 2010

(A man and his son are swimming in the pool. The boy’s mother is sitting in the viewing area until she approaches me. Policy states that proper swim-wear must be worn, i.e. no t-shirts.)

Mother: “How can you discriminate like this!”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about ma’am.”

Mother: “You won’t let me go swimming with my boy! Look how happy he is, I want to share that with him!”

Me: “You can go swimming as much as you’d like. You just have to put a swim suit on first.”

Mother: “Exactly! Look at me! I can’t find a suit that would fit me!”

Me: “Why, I’m sure that’s not true. I get mine at [local sporting goods store] and they come in many different sizes.”

Mother: “Yes, but none of those are cute!”

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