The Lesser Of Two Evils

| | Right | January 28, 2009

Customer: *holding an ugly teapot* “The stuff on that shelf *pointing* is 75% off. Can I get this teapot for 75% off?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that discount only applies to items that were damaged during shipping.”

Customer: “Look, I’m buying a lot of stuff here. I think I should get a discount on this teapot.”

Me: “But it’s not broken. You only get a discount if it’s broken.”

Customer: “You’re not being very helpful. You have to be able to do something for me here.”

Me: “I could take it into the stock room and smash it for you. Then I could sell it to you at the discounted price. I’m sure you could glue it back together when you get home.”

Customer: *thinking it over* “No…no, I don’t think so.”

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A Swing And A Miss

, | | Right | January 28, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Electronics, please.”

Me: “We’re an electronics store, ma’am. Could you be more specific?”

Caller: “Umm…just one moment.”

(She hangs up. Five minutes later, she calls back.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Electronics DEPARTMENT, please.”

Me: “…”

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Culinary Confusion

| | Right | January 28, 2009

(I was working at the concessions stand taking someone’s order, when a man walks up and cuts in line.)

Customer: “Hey, why does this theater look so run down?”

Me: “Uh…well, it is kind of old, but as you can see from the sign we are renovating.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I get a popcorn then? Is it fresh?”

Me: “Sir, you just cut in line. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to get back in line if you want service.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

(He pauses, but doesn’t move from his place beside me at the counter. I finish my transaction and clear up the line, and he’s still standing there.)

Customer: “So…what’s up with those corn dogs?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Those corn dogs. What’s wrong with them?”

Me: *looking around, utterly confused* “Uh…the hot dogs? I don’t see anything wrong with them.”

Customer: “No, the corn dogs! They look awfully…green, don’t they?”

Me: *following his eyes* “Sir…I think you’re talking about the pickles.”

Customer: “Oh…that’s what they are? Could have fooled me.”

Me: “…”

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I Think We’ve Found The Problem

, | | Right | January 27, 2009

Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in two days to fix your dishwasher.”

Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

Customer: “Okay, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

Me: “Um… I was just kidding, ma’am.”

Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

(After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

Me: “I was just joking!”

Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

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His Bigness Is None Of Your Business

| | Right | January 27, 2009

Me: “Hello this is ***, *** speaking, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “Ah, hello. ¬†I was just wondering… you see, I run an adult dance club outside of town.You know, with male strippers and such.”

Me: “… uh huh.”

Customer: ¬†”Well, we order our clothing through a store usually, on the internet. ¬†But I have a new man and we need some clothes for him and he’s… large.”

Me: “… uh… huh?”

Customer: “Well he… he’s very large.”

Me: “Um, well… what.. was your question?”

Customer: “Oh. ¬†Well,¬†I was wondering what kind of fabric you might recommend for a someone in our business.”

Me: “Oh. ¬†Well, I would think something black. ¬†We have some see-through stuff. ¬†I might suggest a shimmer see through fabric. ¬†We have some of those…”

Customer: “Oh good, good. Well, how much fabric do you think we’d need?”

Me: “Well, it depends on his size.¬†If you take some measurements, I can–”

Customer: “Well, the thing is… it’s his… his business. ¬†Can I tell you about his business…?”

Me: “Go ahead…”

Customer: ¬†”He is 12 inches long and three inches wide. ¬†Three inches! Have you ever heard of such a thing!”

Me: “No, can’t say I have…”

Customer: ¬†”Three inches wide! ¬†I didn’t even know they made them that wide. ¬†Do you know anyone like that? ¬†That long and that wide?”

Me: “Uh… well, my friend is… I’ve never seen him… but his girlfriend tells me he’s… exceptionally… long.”

Customer: “Oh? ¬†Your friend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But you’ve never seen it?”

Me: *inwardly wanting to die* “No.”

Customer: “Would he be interested in exotic male dancing?”

Me: “Let’s focus on the fabrics. So you want to know how much you’ll need.¬†Now, I can’t see you needing more than two yards in total. ¬†Probably less.”

Customer: “And that will cover his business…?”

Me: “That… will cover… his business.”

Customer: ¬†”Because he’s big. Now your friend, how did you say you knew he was so big?”

Me: “Okay… you know what? ¬†I’m terribly sorry but my job isn’t to recruit my friends for an exotic dance club. ¬†Why don’t you measure your man, bring me the measurements and I will show you how much you need.”

Customer: “Now, is he a black man?”

Me: “Thanks for your call… goodbye.” ¬†*click*

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