He’s Ho-Ho-Home For the Holidays

| | Right | June 15, 2009

(A customer comes up to us shortly after our mall Santa has finished for the season.)

Customer #1: “Hey, is Santa here?”

Me: “No, yesterday was his last day.”

Customer #1: “When will he be back?”

Me: “I think he’s done for the season.”

Customer #1: “Well, do you know where he is?”

Me: “Um…the North Pole?”

Customer #2: “Hahaha!”

Customer #1: “…okay, I walked in to that one.”

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A Chance To Play God

| | Right | June 12, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’m going to the temple today, and I need to get some flowers.”

Me: “Okay, do you want fresh cut flowers or a potted plant?”

Customer: “A potted plant. Tell me, what color do you think God would like today?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Last week I got yellow flowers and I think God liked them, but He might want something else today.”

Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure God is in the mood for red right now.”

Customer: “Excellent. Do you think He wants roses or azaleas?”

Me: “…”

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Small Fish In A Small Pond

| | Right | June 12, 2009

(I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)

Hostess: “Welcome to flight [Number] from Malmö to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”

(A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)

Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”

Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… Can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”

Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”

Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”

Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”

Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the Internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”

Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”

Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*

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Gettin’ Schooled, Kindergarten Style

| | Right | June 12, 2009

(Our station accepts certain gas coupons which require that the gas be pumped first, and then paid for inside the store. I’ve already instructed this customer to select “pay inside” at the pump before returning to me for the discount.)

Customer: “Alright, I’ve put $42 in my car.” *gives me the coupons*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I needed you to select the pay inside option at the pump, and it seems that you have used your credit card outside. My computer system will not authorize this discount.”

Customer: “What!? You told me to pump my gas first!”

Me: “Yes, but you needed to select the pay inside option like I instructed.”

Customer: “So you won’t give me my discount?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for me to ring it up. These coupons never expire, so you can hang on to it and feel free to use it next time.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! You are a poopy face mister! You’re grounded!” *storms out*

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Going For Broke With The Gouda

| | Right | June 12, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “**** Pizza, will this be for delivery or carry-out?”

Caller: “Delivery.”

(We go through the order, and we come to the toppings.)

Caller: “Yeah, a supreme pizza. And make sure the toppings aren’t cheesy!”

Me: “You don’t want cheese on them?”

Caller: “No! I said I don’t want them to be cheesy!”

Me: “Um, our toppings are of good quality…”

Caller: “I’m sure they are, but I don’t want them cheesy! CHEESY!”

(I hear a kid’s voice in the background.)

Caller: “Oh, my eight-year-old says to say, ‘don’t hold back on the toppings’. You understand that?”

Me: “Oh…yes, I understand now.”

Caller: “Good. Don’t be cheesy.”

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