How About, “Give Us All Your Money”

| | Right | May 14, 2008

(Once a month, we send out a mailer advertising our business. Like most ads it reads, “Call Now!”)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I received a card in the mail that said I should call you.”

Me: “Oh, you’re interested in our free design consultation? I’d be more than happy to set one up for you.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want anything like that. It just told me to call.”

Me: “So you’d like a free estimate for new floors?”

Customer: “No! The card you sent me in the mail! It said to call you, so I’m calling you! Why do you want me to call you?!”

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Vague Question, Meet Vague Answer

| | Right | May 14, 2008

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for non-fiction.”

Me: “What kind?”

Customer: “Just non-fiction.”

Me: “Okay…do you want history? Or science? Psychology? Business?”

Customer: “No, just NON-FICTION!”

Me: “Ma’am, most of the store is non-fiction. You’ll have to be more specific.”

Customer: “Don’t you get it? I just want some non-fiction!”

Me: “All right. Do you see over there, where it says ‘Fiction?'”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “All the books but those. Good luck.”

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File>Open>Yard, Highlight Grass, Ctrl-X

| | Right | May 14, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, this is Meagan. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Come mow my lawn!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “I said come mow my lawn!”

Me: “I’m sorry, this is tech support. Are you having trouble with your cable TV or internet?”

Customer: “I know who this is! I want you to mow my lawn! In the rain! I pay y’all enough every month, so you better come mow it!” *click*

Me: “…”

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Liar Liar Panties On Fire

, | | Right | May 13, 2008

Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”

Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”

Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”

Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”

Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”

Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”

Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

Me: “Ma’am, I *am* the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”

Customer: “I still don’t see why I have do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”

Me: “No problem ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open, it’s medication that I need today!”

Me: *looks in system, it’s Victoria Secret*

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Postal Paranoia

| | Right | May 13, 2008

Me: “Alright, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”

Woman: “No!”

Me: “I, uh–”

Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”

Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”

(The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)

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