After This, She’s Gonna Need An Antidepressant

| | Right | October 26, 2008

Customer: “Hi, can I have some of those allergy medications that are behind the counter? The 24 hour kind.”

Me: “Sure thing…”

(I grab one, because law mandates that the computers only allow me to check out one 24 hour medication for a certain period of time).

Customer: “Oh, I wanted four. Can I have four, please?”

Me: “Sorry, I can only give you one. There’s a law that makes me check your ID on the computer. It won’t let me check out more than one for you, at least not in the 24 hour dose.”

Customer: “Well, can you at least try? If you’d TRY once in a while, you never know what you can do!”

Me: “Alright then…”

(I scan one and sure enough, the second won’t go through.)

Me: “Yup, it won’t let me check out the second one. Your total’s gonna be about 20 bucks.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the third one.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “If the second one didn’t work, maybe the third one will.”

Me: “Ma’am, all four of these are exactly the same. If the second one didn’t work, what makes you think if I rang up another box of the exact same thing would work?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Okay… yeah… it’s not working.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the fourth one.”

(Suffice it to say it doesn’t work; after she buys her one box, she comes back about fifteen minutes later.)

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU SELL ME THIS EXPIRED MEDICATION!”

Me: “Err… what? I can guarantee you it’s not. I checked it before I gave it to you.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Then what’s this? It says FEB 10!”

Me: “Yes… February… of 2010. Not February 10th.”

Customer: “Uh… well, I’m older than you and I probably make way more than you anyway, so I’m right. I’m 42 and I make $** an hour!”

Me: “I’ll agree with you, you’re much older than I am. I’m only 26. But ma’am, you are talking to a pharmacist. I make twice that. Oh wait… I’m in overtime now… three times that. Actually, in the time it took me to help you, I just made one hour’s worth of your wage. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

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Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reinder

| | Right | October 23, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “… A diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

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My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

| | Right | October 23, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center, how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

Customer: “… So, those f***ing f***ots can get benefits, but I can’t?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married, they don’t.”

Customer: “Those f***ing f***ots, f***ing us over anyway they can!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have the option to get married, they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

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Right Next To The Special Chinese Gefeltifish

| | Right | October 23, 2008

Customer: “Miss, I need some ranch for my crab rangoon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am, we don’t serve ranch here.”

Customer: “What kind of g**d**ned Chinese restaurant doesn’t have ranch? What? You don’t have barbeque sauce either?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. I’m very sorry. I could walk down to the pizza place next door and get you a container of ranch.”

Customer: “NO! I WANT YOUR SPECIAL CHINESE RANCH!”

Me: “Ma’am, we do not serve ‘special Chinese ranch.’ I’m very sorry, but like I said, I ca–”

Customer: “WHATEVER, YOU G**D**NED C**T!” *storms out*

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Cross-Platform Chromosomes

| | Right | October 22, 2008

(I work at a video game store, and I’m one of the few female employees.)

Customer: *hands me a 360 box* “I need this game on the PS3.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this game is actually only made for the Xbox 360 and PC.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I know I’ve seen it on the PS3!”

Me: “No… the company that makes this game works exclusively for Microsoft. Sony doesn’t have the rights to sell this game on their consoles.”

Customer: “Well, let me talk to one of the MALE employees. Maybe he can find this game on the PS3 for me.”

(The customer walks over to my fellow employee.)

Customer, to male employee: “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Can you show me where I can find the PS3 version?”

Male employee: “Umm… she is correct. That game is made by a Microsoft owned company. It will probably never come out on the PS3 unless Microsoft decides to sell the rights to that game to Sony.”

Customer: “That’s it! I’ve had enough! ALL I WANT IS THIS GAME ON THE PS3! IT SHOULDN’T BE THAT DIFFICULT! LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Male Employee: *points to me* “There she is.”

Customer: “Ah!!!” *throws game on floor and storms out*

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