Went To The Wrong Joint

| Right | August 26, 2010

(In the state of California, it is legal to sell water pipes, hookahs, bubblers, all ‘for tobacco use only’. We also cannot sell anything if a customer even hints at using marijuana.)

Customer: *showing his ID* “Wow, you guys are strict, huh?”

Me: “We have to check the IDs of everyone who comes in here. It’s store policy.”

Customer: “You’re being careful, huh?”

Me: “I have to be, because the laws are so strict. It’s very delicate. If someone says just one wrong word, I have to ask them to leave the store.”

Customer: “So how much is that bong there?”

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They Swim Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine

| Right | August 26, 2010

(A day camp comes to my pool every weekday. The kids are on average 7 years old.)

Girl: “I’m a mermaid!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

(Next day…)

Girl: “I’m a vampire! Gaaargh!”

Me: “But yesterday you were a mermaid.”

Girl: “I’m a vampire mermaid! Gaaargh!”

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Some Assembly And Intelligence Required

| Right | August 26, 2010

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [home improvement store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I just had my shed delivered this morning and you people sent me the wrong size.”

Me: “Okay, just let me pull up your order here and see what may have gone wrong.”

Customer: “I don’t know how you people could have messed this up, I clearly ordered a 6×6 shed and I just measured the one you delivered and its clearly only 4×6.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Well, the type of shed we delivered only comes in a 6×6 model. Did you happen to have any parts left over when you finished building it?”

Customer: “Oh, well I haven’t actually built it yet. But I’ve measured the crate it comes in and it only measure 4×6.”

Me: “Sir, what does the label on the crate say?”

Customer: “It says 6×6. But I measured it and it’s only 4×6!”

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Had Too Many Muska-Beers

| Right | August 26, 2010

Me: “Can I help you sir?”

Customer: “Yes do you have any books by Alexander Dumba**?”

Me: “I think you mean Alexandre Dumas?”

Customer: “Oh, is that how you say it?”

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Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

, | Right | August 25, 2010

(I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, or any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

Me: “[Crisis Line]. My name is [My Name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well, you see… my… um… my… cat… died.”

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