Because 8 Bajillion Signs Are Always The Answer

| | Right | July 9, 2008

(A lady calls our travel office regarding a certain theme park in central Florida.)

Caller: “Do you allow sex offenders into your theme parks?”

Me: “Well, as hundreds of thousands of people enter our parks each day, we’re not able to ID each person and check their criminal history.”

Caller: “So you encourage sex offenders to come to a place filled with little children?”

Me: “No…”

Caller: “Do you have signs saying ‘No Sex Offenders’?”

Me: “Um, no. But as part of a sex offender’s parole or probation, they’re not allowed within a certain number of feet of children, so that would be law enforcement’s responsibility.”

Caller: “I’m appalled that you encourage sex offenders to come to your park. I’m going elsewhere!”

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Coffee Shop Customer Found Poked To Death

| | Right | July 9, 2008

Customer: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”

Me: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”

Customer: “Just let me feel it.”

(I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)

Customer: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”

Me: “Alright…” ¬†

(I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)

Customer: “Not THAT one!¬†It’s got holes all in it!”

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How About A Coupon For A Free Psych Evaluation

| | Right | July 9, 2008

Me: “Ma’am, with this order, you received a free coupon for Cover Girl Cosmetics.”

Customer: “What, do you think I need it?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “That’s very rude, telling someone they need makeup!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not suggesting you need makeup.¬†I’m just offering it to you because the computer printed it out.”

Customer: “Oh, what, now the computer thinks I need makeup?”

Me: “No, ma’am… it prints out coupons for random items.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t need it any coupons from you, so there!” *storms off*

Me: *rubbing my temples* “Have a good day, ma’am.”

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Not Always Right On So Many Levels

| | Right | July 8, 2008

(A disabled customer on crutches starts screaming racist epithets at her cashier.)

Disabled customer: “You g**d*** n*****! You b****! How could you do that to me?! This is discrimination!”

Cashier: *totally shocked*

(I walk over right away. Keep in mind, I’m white.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you’re upset, but could you please watch your language? There are children here. Now, I’d be ha–”

Disabled customer: “Y’all hate people with disabilities! F*** the children! And f*** you, you n*****! I’m calling corporate!”

Me: “If that’s what you want to do, ma’am, I can’t stop you.”

Disabled customer: “D*** right you can’t, you black b****!”

(She suddenly throws down her “crutches” and very easily walks out of the store.)

Another customer, to me: “Wait, did she just call you black?”

(She did end up calling corporate office, but it was dismissed because she kept calling the operator a sand monkey and saying that she was going to burn in h*** for stealing white people’s jobs.)

(To do this day, whenever we get bored we play with her crutches in the back stock room.)

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The Wind Beneath My Swings

, | | Right | July 8, 2008

Caller: “The swing set was delivered yesterday, and… it’s fine, but I need instructions.”

Me: “No problem, I’ll email them to you right now. Are you missing anything from your shipment? If you are, let me know and I can get those right out for you.”

Caller: “Um, no. I’m not missing anything, but I do have one question.”

Me: “Sure, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Well, I got the swing set and… well… thank you for the added accessory, but where do I put it? I mean, how do I attach it to the set?”

Me: “Which accessory, sir?”

Caller: “The toilet seat.”

Me: “The what?!”

Caller: “Yeah, and I just want to know how I attach it to the swing set?”

Me: “Um, ok. First of all, you don’t put toilet seats on your child’s swing set. Secondly, that wasn’t in your shipment from us. The trucking company must have gotten some boxes mixed up.”

Caller: “Ooooooohh…” *speaking to someone off the phone* “HEY JOE! Don’t open that box! That toilet seat isn’t ours! It doesn’t go on the set!”

(I would just like to state for the record that “toilet seat” and “swing set” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.)

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