The Tiny Flaw In An Otherwise Brilliant Plan

| | Right | February 9, 2009

(I work at customer service and this lady could not return a lamp because it was past our 90-day return policy.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, the transaction for the lamp does not show up on your credit card. Has it been more than 90 days?”

Customer: “No, I dont think so! Try it again.”

(I try two more times and sure enough, the same thing happens.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you bought the lamp more than 90 days ago, it does not show up in our system anymore. We can do a store credit return if you would like, but you would get the lowest price which is about $3 less.”

Customer: “Fine. It was 92 days ago! Now can I return it?”

Me: “I cannot do that. That purchase is not in our system anymore and the computer will only allow me to give you store credit at that price.”

(A long argument ensues and I tell her the same things.)

Customer: “Well, you know what? I’m going to buy this lamp again and then use THAT receipt to return it!”

Me: “Why would you want to do that? You would technically own two and then you’re returning one. It makes no difference.”

Customer: “Then I’ll buy a NEW one and use that receipt to return my broken one!”

Me: “I cannot allow you to do that. I am the supervisor and would have to report that sort of potential activity to our store security and managers.”

Customer: “How did you know what I’m going to do?!”

Me: “…um, because you just told me?”

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Chez Cinema

| | Right | February 9, 2009

(Note: we’re in a movie theater.)

Customer: “So, you guys got, like, showers here and everything?”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Customer: *looking revolted* “Gross! So you guys just don’t wash?”

Me: “Well, not here, but when we’re at home, yes.”

Customer: “So you guys don’t have, like, rooms here or nothin’?”

Me: “No, sir, we don’t live at the movie theater.”

Customer: “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD! *stomps off*

Me: “…”

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Books On Surveillance Tape

| | Right | February 9, 2009

Me: “**** Library, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have some books that are due tomorrow, but I need to keep them longer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ll need your name so I can renew the books.”

Caller: *scandalized* “You need my what?”

Me: “Your name, ma’am. So I can call up your account on my computer.”

Caller: “You have my account?! How did you get that? Do you have my Social Security number?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I mean your library account. When you came in to get your library card, you filled out a form with your name, address, phone number, and email, so that we can contact you if you ever have overdue books. We don’t have your social security number.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not giving out my name to a complete stranger over the phone!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Perhaps you could give me the titles of the books?”

Caller: “Why do you need to know what I’m reading?! The books are due tomorrow! Just renew them!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can look up books by the due date. Without your name or the titles of the books, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “You’re trying to steal my identity! I’m calling the cops.”

Me: *giving up* “You do that, ma’am.” *hangs up*

Co-worker: “You should have told her we put cameras in the books.”

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Coming Soon: Laptop Loofas

, | | Right | February 9, 2009

Customer #1: “This cell phone doesn’t work anymore. I want you to replace it.”

Me: “When did it stop working?”

Customer #1: “After I brought it in the shower.”

Me: “If it got wet, it’s probably not going to work at all, and it won’t be covered by the warranty.”

Customer #1: “I don’t understand. If it doesn’t work anymore, you’re supposed to replace it. It should work in the shower.”

Me: “Well, no. Like any piece of electronics, it’s not going to work if you get it wet. Would you bring your laptop in the shower?”

Customer #2: *interjecting* “I bring my laptop into the shower all the time.”

Me: *facepalm*

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And The Landfills Wept

| | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Just this scarf for you today?”

Customer: “Yes — and could you please cut the tag off? I’m planning to wear it straight out of the store.”

Me: “No problem.”

(after transaction is completed…)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Um, can I have a bag, please?”

Me: “…Err…I thought you wanted to wear your scarf out of the store?”

Customer: “Well, yes, but I still need a bag. Where else would I put my receipt?” *stuffs her large wallet into her purse*

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