Great Benefits: Medical, 401k & A Crystal Ball

| | Right | April 16, 2009

Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

Me: “Well, that depends – does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

(I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

Customer: “So you think she would like these?”

Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt, I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, they should!”

(She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.

Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s…”

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First Ocean To The Right, Then Straight On ‘Til Drowning

| Right | April 16, 2009

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Man: “What’s the quickest way to get to Hawaii?”

Me: “…probably via Vancouver International Airport.”

Man: “What?”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not actually a travel agent. I can put you in touch with someone who can book you a flight–”

Man: “I don’t wanna fly there! I could’ve done that from Seattle! I’m going to drive.”

Me: “Over more than twenty-five hundred miles of ocean?”

Man: “You can’t fool me. I know it’s not that far. Besides, it’s much cheaper to fly there through the Canadian part of America.”

Me: “…no, Canada’s not–”

Man: “I’m gonna report you for being unhelpful, missy. Now give me god**** directions to Hawaii if you don’t want your a** fired.”

Me: “Turn left on to any pier you come across, and then drive straight on – you’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry about the water. You can probably sue for damages.”

(Amazingly, he left, perfectly happy with my directions to essentially drown himself.)

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It’s Called Healthyitis

| | Right | April 16, 2009

Me: “Thank you for waiting, my name is Megan. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “… you are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

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Either Way, Someone’s Wearing Diapers

| | Right | April 16, 2009

(I’m selling movie theater tickets to a couple that’s obviously in their 30s or 40s.)

Me: “So for two adults, the total is $19.”

Male customer: “Can’t we get a discount? She’s a senior! How old do you have to be to be a senior?”

Me: “She has to be 60 to be a senior.”

Male customer: “She’s 59 and a half! Can we get a discount?”

(It’s a slow day, so I oblige.)

Me: “Well… alright, how about $16.50?”

Male customer: “Awesome, you’re the best! So you gave her the senior ticket, right?”

Me: “No, sir, I gave you a child.”

Female customer: *laughs* “Thank you, you’ve definitely got him figured out!”

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If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog

| | Right | April 16, 2009

(Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing by dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”

Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”

Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

Me: “Haha, yeah.”

(Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)

Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”

(As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)

Customer: “Oh my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”

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