Where’s A Real Live Robot When You Need One

| | Right | January 6, 2010

Me: “Thanks for calling [credit card company], my name is ***. Can I get your first and last name, please?”

Caller: “I wanted to talk to the computer.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the reason you got me is because [credit card company] is wanting to take care of you personally and let you know about–”

Caller: “I want to talk to the computer, not a person! I don’t like talking to people.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’ve already got your account info up on the screen. I can give you the same info the computer lady can.”

Caller: “No! I want to talk to the computer! I don’t want to talk to a d*** agent! I wanted to get my balance from the computer!”

Me: “Ma’am, since I’ve got it up already, would you like me to just give you the info so you don’t have to call back? You’d still get an agent if you did.”

Caller: “NO! I WANT TO TALK TO THE COMPUTER!” *click*

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Life Mangoes On

, | | Right | January 5, 2010

Customer: “I want a shake.”

Me: “What kind would you like?”

Customer: “A milkshake.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What flavor would you like?”

Customer: “Whatever kind you have.”

Me: “We have, vanilla, chocolate, banana, strawberry, peach and fudge. Which one would you like?”

Customer: “Mango.”

Me: “We don’t have mango sir, would you like the peach?”

Customer: “No! I want a mango milkshake. Why does nobody ever understand?” *walks away*

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It Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

| | Right | January 5, 2010

(A customer enters the door in a huff, dragging along her young daughter. She then dumps a raw chicken (including guts and fats) into my hands. Our store’s policy is that if you get raw meat on yourself, to stop what you’re doing and wash your hands immediately.)

Customer: “I went to cook it today for my family, and I found all the chicken’s organs and stuff still inside it!”

Me: “We’re very sorry about that. Do you have a receipt? Could you just get that out ready for me while I dispose of this and wash my hands?”

Customer: “You people are always making up excuses to do things half-heartedly!”

Me: “I have to, I have raw chicken on my hands.”

Customer: “Me too! I’m not slowing down my day!”

Me: “Would you like a wet wipe? I wouldn’t want you or your daughter to get salmonella or something.”

Customer: “What! You people have salmonella chickens? We’re gonna get bird flu!”

(The customer rips the chicken open with her hands.)

Customer: “Look, see! I told you!” *holds out the chicken’s entrails* “You just didn’t want me to prove it! Trying to scare me with bird flu!”

(I ring up the refund.)

Me: “Now, you really should wash your hands straight away. Salmonella-”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid! There’s no bird flu in it or I’d have sneezed.”

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Time Zoned Out

| | Right | January 5, 2010

(A customer calls in from Los Angeles.)

Caller: “How late are you open there?”

Me: “5 pm.”

Caller: “Yeah, but like, what time zone?”

Me: “5 pm, Pacific Standard Time.”

Caller: “What time would that be here?”

Me: “Sir, we are directly north of you so we are on the same clock as you–Pacific Standard Time.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t know your Canadian time zones! What’s that in American?”

Me: “Sir, what time is it there?”

Caller: “3:00 pm”

Me: “It is 3:00 pm here as well, we are on the same time. We close in two hours at 5 pm your time.”

Caller: “Wait a minute! It’s the same time there? Don’t you have your own time?”

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You Are The Weakest Link

| | Right | January 5, 2010

Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

Caller: “My [expletive] Internet is down, what’s wrong with you people?!”

Me: “Well, let’s find out ma’am. Do you mind troubleshooting a bit to find out what the problem is?”

Caller: *huge sigh* “Fine, but I’ve checked everything already.”

Me: “Okay. First, let’s look at your modem lights. Do you see the link light on?”

Caller: “No. No lights are on.”

Me: “Alright. Can you check the power cable to see if it’s plugged in?”

Caller: “I can’t see anything, the power is out.”

Me: “Well, that might be our problem then.”

Caller: “What the h*** are you talking about?! This is the exact reason I bought a laptop–for it to work when there is a power outage!”

Me: “Right, but where does your internet connection come from?”

Caller: “My phone line.”

Me: “Right, and where is that plugged into?”

Caller: “My modem.”

Me: “Right.”

(There’s a pretty lengthy pause, during which I swear I can hear the gears grinding in her head.)

Caller: “F***!” *click*

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