A Snake Eating Its Own Tail

, | | Right | July 1, 2009

(It’s late at night and only one manager, another employee, and I are working. I’m manning the drive-thru when a car pulls up.)

Customer: *over speaker* “I just came through the drive-thru, and I got a fish sandwich.”

Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

Customer: “There was a bite in my sandwich!”

Me: “I’m sorry? Please drive around and I’ll see what I can do.”

Customer: *at window* “What you can do, young lady, is get me a new sandwich.”

Me: “Um, sir, nobody here would have taken a bite of your sandwich. Are you sure it didn’t just break off?”

Customer: “NO! Give me a new sandwich! I just tasted this sandwich and it tasted terrible.”

Me: “Wait – you bit the sandwich after you found a bite?”

Customer: “No, you idiot! I bit the sandwich, and I need another one!”

Me: “…”

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Textual Discrimination

| | Right | July 1, 2009

(A customer approaches me holding an audio book.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s an audio book.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Well, it’s books read aloud so people can listen to them instead of reading the text.”

(The customer looks horrified.)

Customer: “Do you have more?”

Me: “Oh yes, those shelves behind you there.” *pointing*

Customer: *looking at the rows of audio books* “That’s disgusting! People who can’t read shouldn’t be allowed in libraries anyway! You shouldn’t pander to them!”

Me: “Well, it’s also for people who have low or no vision.”

Customer: “They have no right to books, either!” *storms out*

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Guilty, Yet Guiltless

| | Right | July 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, is **** there?”

Customer: “This is him.”

Me: “Hi, ****. I’m calling about your order.”

Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

Me: “Well, sir, you unfortunately forgot to sign both your money orders.”

Customer: “…So?”

Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

Customer: “…So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

Customer: “…So?”

Me: “…So, that’s illegal.”

Customer: “…So?”

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Friends With Benefits, Cards With Innuendos

| | Right | July 1, 2009

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find a certain section?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”

Me: “Okay. What type of card?”

Customer: “Well, there is this guy and he is my friend…but not really…and I want to get him a special card.”

Me: “Okay, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a friendship card?”

Customer: “No. Oh my God, he would hate that! It’s just that…we’re friends, but not really. Like, we’re more than friends.”

Me: “So, your boy–”

Customer: “OH, GOD NO! He’s not my boyfriend. We just have a lot of sex, and I want to get him a card…for that.”

Me: “Ma’am…I don’t think we actually make ‘Sex Buddy Cards’.”

Customer: *long pause*

Me: “Maybe a ‘Thank You’ card?”

Customer: *runs from store*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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Danica Says Eat My Dust

| | Right | June 30, 2009

(I am a female employee. A customer came in asking me to look up a movie about NASCAR that was not in our system.)

Me: “We actually don’t have that movie in our system at all. Sorry about that.”

Customer: “The movie is called ****. It’s about a NASCAR driver.”

Me: “Yes, I looked up the title, and we don’t carry that movie at all.”

Customer: “Well, maybe you could ask your manager to look it up for me.”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Customer: “It’s just that women don’t generally know much about NASCAR. I mean, it’s nothing personal. I know that I wouldn’t be interested in learning how to knit, or how to wash a dish.”

Me: “…”

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