Hypothetical Intelligence

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

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The Dangers Of Using Fishy Logic

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work at a fish and chips booth at a 19th-century London convention.)

Customer: “Hi, I want some chips.”

Me: “Sure, that’ll be ***. Here are your chips.”

Customer: “No, I want chips.”

Me: “These are chips.”

Customer: “No, they’re french fries.”

Me: “In England, they’re called chips.”

Customer: “So? We’re in America.”

Me: “You’re at a convention set in London.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So, they’re called chips in an attempt to be authentic.”

Customer: “The f***? I’m an American and in America they’re called french fries!”

Me: “So why aren’t they called American fries?”

Customer: *stares blankly*

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Copycats…and Copy Dogs, Copy Sheep…

| | Right | March 24, 2009

Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”

Me: “Okay…would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”

Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”

Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”

Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”

Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”

Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!”

Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”

Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”

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Dig Deeper At Your Own Risk

| | Right | March 24, 2009

(A customer and her young son are buying a bag of birdseed when she notices a picture of my horse on the board behind me.)

Customer: “Oh, what a beautiful horse! Is he a black stallion?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, he’s a gelding.”

Customer: “Oh…what’s the difference?”

Me: “A gelding is a male horse who’s been castrated.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Uh…a male horse who’s been neutered.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “A male horse who’s had his testicles surgically removed.”

Customer: “I still don’t…”

Me: “A horse with no balls, ma’am.”

Customer: *covering her son’s ears*** “My goodness! My son’s only five, you know! He doesn’t need to hear that language!”

Me: “…have a nice day, ma’am.”

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Not A Planet You Want To Piss Off

| | Right | March 24, 2009

Me: “Hi, did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “Yeah, I brought in my old printer ink so I know which number to get.”

Me: “A very good idea. And would you like to recycle your ink cartridge? You can receive money back if you’re a rewards customer.”

Customer: “A what customer?”

Me: “It’s a frequent shoppers program that lets you rack up purchases and receive money back on them. When you recycle an ink cartridge, you get $3.00.”

Customer: “I don’t want no credit card.”

Me: “Oh, it’s not a credit card, sir. And it’s completely free to sign up.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

Me: “All right, would you like to recycle it anyway? We do that here for free.”

Customer: “Why would I recycle it?”

Me: “Well, because it’s empty, and you can’t recycle them yourself. It’s better than just throwing it away.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “…because it’s good for the earth?”

Customer: “What has Earth ever done for me?”

Me: “Oxygen, sir?”

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