No Problem, We’ll Just Bulldoze A Nearby Home

| | Right | July 2, 2008

Me: “What size popcorn would you like, sir?”

Older Man: “Do your managers know that there are no parking spots out there?”

Me: “Um… I’m pretty sure they are aware of that, sir. Three very popular movies came out today, seeing how it is Friday.”

Older Man: “Well, maybe they need to be informed of the situation so they can fix it!”

Me: “I’ll let them know right now! In the meantime, this gentleman can help you with your popcorn…”

(I walk off, barely able to contain my laughter.)

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Because Mocha Sounds Sooo Much Like Frappuccino

| | Right | July 2, 2008

Customer: “Hi, I’d like two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

Me: “Alright, anything else with that?”

Customer: “No, that’s all.”

(I make her drinks and hand them out.)

Customer: “These are cold…”

Me: “You ordered two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

Customer: “Oh! You know what? I actually meant I wanted two large mochas. The hot drinks!”

(Duh, how could I not have gotten that from her original order?)

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From Parallel To Perpendicular

, | | Right | July 2, 2008

(In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

Me: “Hey, Mr. [Teacher]! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

Teacher: “All right.”

(I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can. We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

(Everyone laughs harder.)

Me: “What is going on??”

(My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. [Teacher]’s room. He’s masturbating.)

Me, over the intercom: “MR. [Teacher], PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

Teacher: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!”

Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

Teacher: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep! YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

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Warning: Movie May Require Brain Cells

| | Right | July 1, 2008

Customer: “This is a readin’ movie. Do I have to pay fer this? It’s a readin’ movie. Ya’ know, where ya’ have to read it?”

Me: “You mean it had subtitles?”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! I don’t have to pay for that, do I?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t do preferential refunds because it isn’t our obligation to make sure the customer likes the movie. We just make it available.”

Customer: “That’s bullcrap!”

(He skulks away from my register and hangs around the candy display as the next customer walks up laughing.)

Me, to the next customer: “Hello, ma’am. How’re you doing today? Good? That’s great. Before we start here, I’d like to warn you that this magazine you’re about to purchase is a readin’ magazine, and that we don’t give refunds. Sorry.”

(The previous disgruntled customer, who obviously heard everything I said, is completely oblivious to the fact that I’m mocking him.)

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Life’s Great Mysteries, Volume 1

| | Right | July 1, 2008

(I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?”

Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ”

Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!”

(She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.)

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