Smooth Whipped Criminal

| | Right | December 15, 2009

(We’d just opened one Sunday when a man comes in and robs us at gunpoint. During the robbery, the robber makes us lock the doors so no customers can come in. After he leaves, we were so upset that we didn’t think to unlock the doors. While we wait for the police to arrive, another man knocks on the door.)

Customer: “Are you open? I’d like to get a coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just been robbed at gunpoint, so we’re a little freaked out.”

Customer: “Well, did he steal the coffee? I can still get a latte, right?!”

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He Prefers The Strong And Silent Type

| | Right | December 15, 2009

(An older customer enters the restaurant and walks straight to the bar where I’m drying glasses. Note that I’m female.)

Me: “Yes sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “No, that won’t do.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “That’s a weak mentality. None of this, ‘Yes sir, no sir,’ business. You need to have confidence in yourself, men don’t like women without confidence!”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry sir. See, my job is–”

Customer: “Still with the yes sir, no sir! I don’t like it. Stop it!”

Me: *says nothing*

Customer: “Better.” *walks off to a table*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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Gobble Grunt Gobble

, , | | Right | December 15, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”

Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”

Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”

Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”

Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”

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There Can Be Only One

| | Right | December 14, 2009

(I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

Me: “Hi, this is *** calling from [department store] to follow up with your concern.”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at 1 pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of sales people.”

Me: “Well…uh…how can I help you then?”

Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

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I Scream For Pizza

| | Right | December 14, 2009

(While working at a gelato shop in Rome, a tourist approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss! I’d like a pizza!”

Me: “We don’t sell pizza here. This is a gelato shop.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? This is Italy! Don’t you have pizza in Italy?”

Me: “Yes, we have pizza in Italy, but this is not a pizzeria, so we don’t sell pizza. There are pizzerias, though, if you look.”

Customer: “So this is Italy?”

Me: “Correct.”

Customer: “And this is a restaurant.”

Me: “Sort of, though we only sell the ice cream.”

Customer: “But this is ITALY.”

(After a few minutes of getting nowhere, my coworker attempts to help.)

Coworker: *jokingly* “Ma’am, if you want pizza, I can get you some for 100 euros.”

(100 euros is about $150 USD. Without hesitation, the customer pulls out two 50s and hands them to my coworker.)

Co-worker: *hands the tourist the money back* “It’s okay, ma’am. Let me direct you to a nearby pizzeria…”

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