Is There Anything That Guy Can’t Do?

| | Right | December 23, 2008

Customer: “Do you have movie with Forrest Gump?”

Me: “Yes, we have the movie ‘Forrest Gump’; would you like me to tell you where it is?”

Customer: “No, I look for movie Forrest Gump where he gets big.”

Me: “Uhh…do you mean you’re looking for the movie ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks?”

Customer: “Not Tom Hanks, ‘FORREST GUMP’! ‘BIG’!”

Me: “…”

1 Thumbs
1,779
VOTES

Self-Rising Expectations

| | Right | December 22, 2008

Customer: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

Me: “Yes sir, every day.”

Customer: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

Customer: “So you’re cheaters then?!”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

Customer: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”

1 Thumbs
3,831
VOTES

Man Cannot Live By Water Alone

| | Right | December 22, 2008

Me: “Hello, ma’am. ¬†Can I get you anything to drink?”

Customer: “Yes, please. I would like a glass of water.”

Me: “Coming right up.”

Me: delivering the water* “There you are, ma’am. Have you decided what you want to order?”

Customer: *downing the water* “Wow, this water is great. Do you happen to have any more, sweetie?”

Me: “Er…yeah we do. Do you want another glass?”

Customer: “I would appreciate it.”

(I go to get her another glass of water, and as soon as I come back, she begins to speak up about the menu.)

Customer: “Oh Lord! Don’t you have any vegetarian stuff here?”

Me: “I’m sorry miss, but this is a bar and grill. We have salads, but they all come with chicken or beef.”

Customer: “That’s inhumane! Don’t you know what you’re doing to the animals?”

Me: “I think you should go to a vegan restaurant. What did you expect from a bar and grill?”

Customer: “Don’t give me your sass! I just want some non-animal food! Don’t you have any of that?”

Me: “Well..we have grilled cheese, and–”

Customer: *cutting me off* “WHAT?! CHEESE COMES FROM MILK, WHICH COMES FROM COWS! I’M NOT EATING THAT!”

Me: “I’m sorry then, ma’am, there’s really nothing for you here. Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other customers.”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Listen to what he tells you, you stupid b****!”

Customer: “Goodness! You god**** animal murderers deserve to go to hell! *pause* “Er, sonny, may I get another glass of that water?”

Me: “OUT!”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Mmm… murder.”

1 Thumbs
5,555
VOTES

The Great Fish Massacre of 2008

| | Right | December 22, 2008

Customer: “I bought ten fish and they all DIED.¬†The customer service desk said you would get me new ones. ¬†Here’s my receipt.”

Me: “It looks like you had ten feeder goldfish?”

Customer: “Yes, and they all DIED. I want new ones.”

Me: “That’s unusual. Goldfish are pretty hardy. Did they have any little white spots, or anything like that before they died?”

Customer: “No, I went to feed them and they were all dead in the bowl!”

Me: Wait…you had ten goldfish in a bowl? What size?”

Customer: “Like this!” *points to a small bowl on the shelf*

Me: “Ma’am, that bowl only holds a gallon of water. The general rule for fish is ‘a gallon of water per inch of fish’. So for these goldfish at the size they’re now, you would need a tank larger then ten gallons to accommodate them.”

Customer: “I want them in a bowl! Maybe I’ll get smaller fish. How much are these?” *pointing*

Me: “Those are fancy guppies; they’re two dollars.”

Customer: “EACH?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “What about those?

Me: “Those are angelfish; they’re four dollars.”

Customer: “EACH?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Just give me the ten fish to replace my other ones! Those are only 39 cents each!”

Me: “Fine…but if you put them all in the same bowl, they’re all going to die again, and I don’t want to hear about it when they do!”

Customer: *pause* “Get me my fish!”

(She got her new fish.  No idea what the death toll was.)

1 Thumbs
2,006
VOTES

Around The World…Eventually

| Right | December 19, 2008

Me: “Thanks for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need directions.”

Me: “Ok, where are you right now?”

Caller: “Highway One.”

Me: “Are you heading north or south?”

Caller: “South.”

Me: “Ok, so after the highway turns away from the ocean…”

Caller: “Oh, I’m nowhere near the ocean.”

Me: “Wait, you’re heading south, right?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s what I just said!”

Me: “Ma’am, what city are you in?”

Caller: *names a city that’s about 30 miles south of where our place is*

Me: “Oh, that’s actually south of us.”

Caller: “I know that! Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron. I’m south of where you are, so I can only take the highway South to get to you!”

Me: “Well then, we’ll see you here once you’ve circumnavigated the globe!”

1 Thumbs
2,714
VOTES
Page 4,026/4,283First...4,0244,0254,0264,0274,028...Last
« Previous
Next »