Nuts For Cashews

| | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Hello, [golf course].”

Customer: “Yes, Do you guys sell cashews?”

Me: “As a matter of fact, we do.”

Customer: “So how much are they?”

Me: “$2.40.”

Customer: “Okay, so can I get a tee time for 2:00?”

Me: “Sure. How many people?”

Customer: “Just me.”

Me: “Okay, and golf cart or walking?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not golfing. I’m just coming to pick up the cashews!”

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Allergic To Honesty

, | | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [pizza place] how may I help you?”

Customer: “I ordered a pizza and it has green peppers and mushrooms on it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but it says here that’s what you ordered.”

Customer: “No! I am allergic to green peppers! Why would I order something I’m allergic to?”

Me: “Alright, I understand. What did you intend to order?”

Customer: “Ham and pepperoni.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll have that out to you right away. Just make sure to give us the other pizza when we get there, okay?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “I ate it already.”

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A Hole In Your Thinking

| | Right | November 27, 2009

Customer: “Can I have a sample of this doughnut?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “But you used to give them out! Why can’t I get one?”

Me: “Yeah, that was a long time ago. Now we only give it to children.”

(The customer squats down a bit.)

Customer: “I’m twelve. Can I have a sample?”

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Beware The Jabberwacky

| | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

Caller: “You speak Englits?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

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A Very, Very Happy Anniversary

| | Right | November 26, 2009

(A man walks into the smoke shop and looks around at the acrylic bongs.)

Customer: “I’ll take the blue one.”

Me: “No problem.”

(He pays then leaves. About an hour later, he returns looking distressed.)

Customer: “Something’s wrong with this vase you sold me. I bought this vase for my wife for our anniversary. But the roses I bought won’t fit in it!”

Me: “Sir, that is not a vase. It’s a bong.”

Customer: “What?! Why would you sell bongs in a vase shop?! I have a bunch of people coming over and this was going to be the center piece!”

Me: “This is a smoke shop, sir. Not a vase shop. Would you like to return the bong for a refund?”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No. On second thought, I think I’ll find some use for it…”

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