From Parallel To Perpendicular

, | | Right | July 2, 2008

(In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

Me: “Hey, Mr. [Teacher]! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

Teacher: “All right.”

(I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can. We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

(Everyone laughs harder.)

Me: “What is going on??”

(My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. [Teacher]’s room. He’s masturbating.)

Me, over the intercom: “MR. [Teacher], PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

Teacher: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!”

Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

Teacher: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep! YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

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Poodle Bites Woman, Claims Insanity

| | Right | July 1, 2008

(I’m outside walking a small poodle before her bath.)

Passing woman, to the poodle: “Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!”

Me: “…”

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Warning: Movie May Require Brain Cells

| | Right | July 1, 2008

Customer: “This is a readin’ movie. Do I have to pay fer this? It’s a readin’ movie. Ya’ know, where ya’ have to read it?”

Me: “You mean it had subtitles?”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! I don’t have to pay for that, do I?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t do preferential refunds because it isn’t our obligation to make sure the customer likes the movie. We just make it available.”

Customer: “That’s bullcrap!”

(He skulks away from my register and hangs around the candy display as the next customer walks up laughing.)

Me, to the next customer: “Hello, ma’am. How’re you doing today? Good? That’s great. Before we start here, I’d like to warn you that this magazine you’re about to purchase is a readin’ magazine, and that we don’t give refunds. Sorry.”

(The previous disgruntled customer, who obviously heard everything I said, is completely oblivious to the fact that I’m mocking him.)

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Life’s Great Mysteries, Volume 1

| | Right | July 1, 2008

(I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?”

Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ”

Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!”

(She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.)

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The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes

| Right | July 1, 2008

(We shot a wedding after dark and in the rain last year. When the happy couple met with me to pick up their photos the conversation went like this…)

Bride: “I am so disappointed that there are no beautiful sunset pictures, like on your website.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but if you remember correctly the weather was terrible, and you got married in the dark.”

Bride: “Yeah, but we paid you a lot of money!”

Me: “I would charge a lot more money if I could turn back time and change the weather.”

Bride: “All of the other weddings we saw on your website have beautiful sunsets!”

Me: “We took those photos at sunset, before it got dark, and it wasn’t raining.”

Bride: “I’m sick of your slick excuses. You have an answer for everything!”

(This conversation went on, round and round like this for an hour. The mom called and we had the exact same conversation!)

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