Dutifully Confused

| MN, USA | Crazy Requests

(I work at a grocery store chain near my house. On this particular day I’m off but have stopped in to grab some snack items. While I’m loading my cart up with chips, soda, and other good stuff one of our regular customers comes up to me.)

Customer: “Hey, don’t you work here?”

Me: “I do, but I’m off duty today. I just need some munchies for a party I’m hosting.”

Customer: “You know you really should be helping folk if you work here.”

Me: “Erm… yes, but as I said I’m not working today. Today is my day off.”

Customer: “You work here, and you’re not doing anything right now. Put the cart down and help me find some stuff on my list or I’m reporting you to your manager!”

Me: “Before I do that sir, can I ask you a question?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Where do you work?”

Customer: “Huh? At [Nearby Business Firm].”

Me: “So what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at your job?”

Customer: “What? It’s Saturday! I don’t work today!”

Me: “Well, neither do I.”

(The customer stares at me dumbfounded.)

Customer: “But… but… you’re here! You can’t be here if you aren’t working! That confuses people!”

(It took another ten minutes of explaining that yes, retail workers get days off and are allowed to still make use of their place of business before he finally went off to find one of my coworkers.)


Type 1 A**-Hole

| At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

(I work as a cashier at a fairly high-end grocery store, meaning that for the most part, the patrons are wealthy, and the food is pretty overpriced. We’re currently raising money to help kids with Type 1 diabetes. This is what happened when I asked a customer for a $1 donation. Keep in mind that his purchase was upwards of $300.)

Me: “Sir, may I ask if you’re interested in donating one dollar to-”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: *assuming he’s hard of hearing, or simply missed what I said* “I’m sorry, I was just asking if you’d be willing to donate one dollar for children with-”

Customer: “Oh, I heard what you said! I just don’t have that kind of money. Not all of us are trust fund babies, hun!”

Me: *finally taking the hint* “All right, sir, your total is $355.55.”

Customer: “Are you trying to make me feel like a selfish pig? Because it sounds like you’re demeaning me right now. I could have you fired for this.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir. I just wanted to let you know that you can swipe your card now.”

Customer: “You do realize that this cart is full of necessities, right? My family would die without these groceries.” *in fact, his cart is full of junk food*

Me: “Of course, sir. Have a great day.”

Customer: “Well, now that you’ve made me feel like a a**hole, I don’t feel like enjoying my day anymore. I can’t believe this.”

Me: “…”


Not Keeping A Lid On Your Time Of The Month

| Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I work in a very popular ice cream shop, and we are able to do something called fresh-packs, in which we pack fresh ice cream into containers for people to take home.)

Customer: “Hi! Can I please get a small fresh-pack of chocolate ice cream?”

Me: “Sure! I’ll get that for you. Give me just a moment.”

(I packed up the ice cream and was reaching for a lid before she stopped me.)

Customer: “Oh, no, don’t bother with the lid!”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “Yeah, don’t bother with the lid. It’s one of THOSE months.”

Me: “Oh, haha, I getcha! Let me get you a spoon.”

(She paid, got her ice cream, sat down, and ate all of it.)


Can’t Predict The Cards

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests

(We recently got a whole new computer system installed in our store, complete with new machines for customers’ cards; as it’s now done differently, our manager has asked us to talk all customers through the new system for the first week.)

Me: “Will you be paying by cash or card today?”

Customer: “Card.”

Me: “Just to let you know we have a new system now, and how it works—”

Customer: “I’m not a f****** moron! I know how these things work!”

Me: “If you need any help then let me know and I’ll talk you through it.”

Customer: “Are you f****** deaf?! I know how to do it!”

(I just sit back and watch her for several minutes trying to figure out the new system. The old system let customers type in any cash out they would like before swiping their cards; the new system will not do anything until the card has been swiped.)

Customer: “Your f****** machine is broken!”

Me: “It isn’t broken; it’s a new system. Things are done in a different order now.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Me: “With respect, ma’am, you told me not to talk you through it.”

Customer: “Well, you should have known that I would be stuck!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have psychic abilities that allow me to read minds or predict the future!”

Customer: “Well, you should! They shouldn’t hire you if you can’t make accurate predictions!”

(After all that she paid for her purchases by allowing me to talk her through the new system!)

Customer: “You have lost a very good customer! I’m never coming back here again!”

(The very next day the customer came in again.)


Missing A Few Brain Cells… And A Husband

| Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

(I work in the fraud detection department for a major credit union. My job involves making outbound calls to customers to verify out of pattern transactions that have generally already been confirmed to be fraud by our system and closing the card once the customer has been contacted.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] with [Credit Union]. May I please speak with Mr. [Customer]?”

Wife: “He’s my husband; he’s not here right now. Do you want to leave a message?”

(I see the wife isn’t on the account so legally I cannot give her any information.)

Me: “We just need to verify some information with him. Can you ask him to give us a call back?”

Wife: “Well, I don’t know. Have you seen him recently?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Wife: “He hasn’t been home in two months. I think he might be dead. Have you seen him?”

Me: “Um… have you called the police yet?”

Wife: “No, do you think I should?”

Me: “Yes, I do!”

Wife: “Okay, I’ll do that. Bye bye.”

(I then sat in stunned silence for a few minutes.)

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