You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

| | Right | March 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”

Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

(I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.”

Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

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Veni Vidi Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Went Home & Bought

| | Right | March 19, 2009

Customer: “I definitely think I want to buy this laptop.”

Me: “That’s great, sir. If you just wait here, I can run back and get it for you right now.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks, that would be great. And I also read something on your website about free shipping.”

Me: “Yes…that’s true.”

Customer: “So, do I get free shipping?”

Me: “Um, that only applies to online orders. There’s no shipping if you buy directly from the store.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “…because you don’t need anything shipped if you buy it in the store…”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. Why would anyone buy it in the store when they can get free shipping online?”

Me: “Uh…because they’re already at the store…?”

Customer: “You know what? I think I’m gonna just go buy it online. And you should probably re-evaluate your free shipping policy. No offense, but it’s kind of stupid.”

Me: “…”

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Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

| | Right | March 19, 2009

(I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

Girl: “Okay!”

(She looks though some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and…bling-bling!”

Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

(The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

(The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

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I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me Log In

| | Right | March 19, 2009

Me: “Thanks for calling ****. This is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “When I try to change my password, I’m typing and it’s just making stars.”

Me: “OK…that’s normal. It’s a security feature to prevent someone standing behind you from seeing what you’re typing.”

Customer: “But there’s no one standing behind me…”

Me: “…”

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Ah, College, Part 2

| | Right | March 19, 2009

(I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

College student: “Yeah…”

(He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

College student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

College student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”

 

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