Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin’

| | Right | June 1, 2009

(A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

Lady: “Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!”

(I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up–”

Lady: “No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!”

Me: “Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I–”

Lady: “I need to talk to your manager!”

(I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

Man: “Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?”

(He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

Lady: “Well… um… yes, that’s, uh, fine!”

(She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, “I’ll be right back!” She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

Me: “What was that you showed her?”

Man: “Oh, my handgun permit.”

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Sunny Side Up

| | Right | June 1, 2009

(A woman returns to our car wash with a scowl on her face, 15 minutes after leaving. Note that she drives a black Beetle and it’s been 80 degrees with sunny skies for the past week.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back!”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to speak with your owner please.”

Me: “He’s having a conference call right now. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, my car is still dirty.”

Me: “Oh, did the mud not wash off the back?”

Customer: “There was no mud. The egg didn’t wash off the roof of my car.”

Me: “Um, someone egged you car? How long has the egg been there?”

Customer: “A week or so, but thats not the point. It didn’t wash off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked into your paint. It’s never going to wash off.”

Customer: “What?! It’s just a f***ing egg! My car is not a g**d*** frying pan! It was some friends playing a joke… just wash it off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked on. You have to get it repainted. Whoever egged your car is no friend of yours.”

(The customer suddenly gets very quiet and glares at me.)

Customer: *whispers* “… Who have you been talking to?”

(The customer points her finger at my face and begins to slowly back out the door. She then slowly sits in her car and drives off… without breaking her stare.)

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Baby On Board; Mother, Not So Much

| | Right | May 30, 2009

(A woman comes up to our movie theater with four small girls and a baby in a carrier.)

Customer: “Hi, four children and one adult to Hannah Montana, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be $32.00.”

Customer: *rummages around in her purse* “Oh, shoot! I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. I’ll be right back.”

Me: “Okay, no problem.”

Customer: “Girls, you stay here with the nice lady…” *looks at me* “Should I leave the baby here, or take it with me?”

Me: “Ma’am, please take your infant with you!”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Girls, be good!”

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Random Acts Of Whininess

| | Right | May 30, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”

Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”

Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”

(I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)

Me: “What was he so mad about?”

Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”

Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”

Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”

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There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

| | Right | May 30, 2009

Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

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