Shoplift And Drag And Haul Away

| | Right | September 17, 2008

(Furniture stores typically require the sales staff to discretely follow customers in order to be on hand if there are any questions.)

Me: “Welcome to *** Furniture.¬†Do you see anything you like?”

Customer: “What’s that supposed to mean? What, you think I’m gonna take something? I got money.¬†I ain’t gotta steal nothing from your store.”

Me: “No, ma’am. I was just checking to see if you needed any help. I didn’t think you were trying to take anything.”

Customer: “I ain’t no shoplifter. I said I got money. What, you think I’m gonna try to take something outta here?”

Me:¬†”It’s a furniture store, ma’am. If you can fit a loveseat in your pocket, you’re welcome to it.”

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I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

, , , | | Right | September 17, 2008

(The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night, the kid’s mother found me.)

Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl [My Name] that was working last night!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I was here for that.”

Mom: “The police told me a girl named [My Name] told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “…”

Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

Me: “For what?”

Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

Mom: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “Sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

Me: “You might be a while, ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

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Customer Of The Week: It’s The Icons

| | Right | September 17, 2008

Customer Of The Week: It's The Icons
Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story:
When Nomenclature Goes Amok

Poor, Albeit Tasty Substitutes

| | Right | September 16, 2008

Me: “Hi, welcome to ***. Do you need any help finding anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need diapers and condoms.”

Me: “Um, we don’t sell those here. We’re a beverage store.”

Customer: “Oh okay, then give me some fruit roll ups and towels.”

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Hmm, I Think Someone Made A Phone Call

| | Right | September 16, 2008

Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

Customer: “Just a regular size.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

Customer: “What does all that mean?”

Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

(The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”

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