Would You Like A Foot To Go With Your Mouth

, | | Right | June 5, 2009

(Note: I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.)

Barista: “Here’s your change… Have a nice day.”

Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”

Barista: “Sorry.”

Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant. It makes me sick!”

Barista: *eyes begin to well up*

Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”

Barista: “…because my father died last night.”

(At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer was literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)

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Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

| | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

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It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

| | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?”

Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know…is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

(At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

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I Cry, You Cry, We All Cry For Ice Cream

| | Right | June 4, 2009

Coworker: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream store]. Can I take your order?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like coffee ice cream with Heath bar mixed in.”

(My coworker mixes the ice cream and then hands it to the customer, a 40-year old woman. She beings to CRY in front of everyone.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, is something wrong?”

Customer: *sobbing* “My Heath bar isn’t crunched up enough!”

Coworker: “I’m so sorry about that, ma’am. I can make you another one.”

(The coworker makes another one and pounds the Heath bar into extra fine pieces. He then hands it to the customer.)

Coworker: “Is this mixed up enough, ma’am?”

Customer: *wailing* “I can’t tell now because it’s mixed into the ice cream!”

(The customer pays, storms off, and leaves the store sobbing with ice cream in hand.)

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Dinner Without A Show Is No Dinner At All

| | Right | June 4, 2009

(I’m cashing out a customer and bagging his groceries.)

Me: “And what’s in your bakery bag, sir?”

Customer: “A cantaloupe. I put it in there to get ripe.”

Me: “OK…”

Customer: “You know what they do in California? They JUGGLE the fruit – the cantaloupes and the mangoes and the apples and such.”

Me: “Oh, that must be neat to see–”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD DO THAT!”

Me: *laughing* “That’d be interesting, but I don’t know how to juggle.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me you can’t juggle this fruit?”

Me: “I’m afraid not…”

Customer: “Then take the cantaloupe off. I don’t want it if you won’t juggle it for me.”

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