When You’ve Lost The Passion Fruit

| | Right | March 25, 2009

Me: “Hi, can I help?”

Customer: “I’d like a wheat grass shot and an apple, carrot, ginger and orange juice.”

Me: “Would you like size one, two or three?”

Customer: “One.”

Me: “Would you like any extra boosters?”

Customer: “No. Stop trying to sell me things.”

Me: “That’s ¬£*.**. Do you have a loyalty card?”

Customer: “I’m not even loyal to my WIFE.”

Me: “…”

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Joseph Smith’s Great Northern Detour

| | Right | March 25, 2009

Drunk Customer: “You’re American! What state are you from??”

Me: “Actually Sir, I’m from Canada.”

Drunk Customer: “OH! The MORMON State!”

Me: “…”

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Hypothetical Intelligence

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

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The Dangers Of Using Fishy Logic

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work at a fish and chips booth at a 19th-century London convention.)

Customer: “Hi, I want some chips.”

Me: “Sure, that’ll be ***. Here are your chips.”

Customer: “No, I want chips.”

Me: “These are chips.”

Customer: “No, they’re french fries.”

Me: “In England, they’re called chips.”

Customer: “So? We’re in America.”

Me: “You’re at a convention set in London.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So, they’re called chips in an attempt to be authentic.”

Customer: “The f***? I’m an American and in America they’re called french fries!”

Me: “So why aren’t they called American fries?”

Customer: *stares blankly*

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Copycats…and Copy Dogs, Copy Sheep…

| | Right | March 24, 2009

Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”

Me: “Okay…would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”

Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”

Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”

Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”

Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”

Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!”

Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”

Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”

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