Why Guidance Counselors Shouldn’t Drink

| | Right | May 4, 2009

(I am running a bocce ball tournament, and this guest starts talking to me while I am trying to watch the game and keep score.)

Guest: “You make a lot of money?”

Me: “I make enough.”

Guest: “You know, strippers make a lot of money. I heard of one who makes a thousand dollars a night.”

Me: “Wow.”

Guest: “How old are you?”

Me: “18.”

Guest: “Yeah, you should start now, before s*** starts to sag.”

Me: “…thanks for the advice.”

Guest: “No problem.”

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What You See Is What You Can’t Comprehend

| | Right | May 4, 2009

(The hotel was hosting a conference. At lunchtime, I was serving at the dessert table which had a variety of different desserts and a large fruit bowl with a pineapple as the centerpiece.)

Man: “Is that pineapple real?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, yes it is. We put it there just as decoration, but I could get the chef to cut it up for you if you’d like.”

Man: “No, I just wondered…. How about those apples, are they real?”

Me: “Yes they are; all the fruit is real. Actually, we aren’t allowed to use fake fruit in decorating here anymore.”

Man: “Really? Why not?”

Me: “Because people kept trying to eat them and hurt their mouths.”

Man: “You’re joking! How could they not tell the difference?”

Me: “I…don’t know sir. Did you want any dessert?”

Man: “Um…are the strawberries real?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Man: “Hm, they look pretty real. I’ll have some of those.”

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Consideration Is Key

| | Right | May 4, 2009

(A customer comes through the drive-thru two minutes before close and orders seven blended drinks. She starts talking to me through the window as I’m working on her drinks.)

Customer: “Isn’t it so annoying when people come through ordering blended beverages right before close?”

Me: *politely* “Well, it’s not too much of a hassle. It just takes a while to make each of them, that’s all.”

Customer: “Oh. Then I’d like to order four more please. And can you hurry? I’m late for work.”

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Camping By Any Other Name

| | Right | May 1, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling the *** Lexington Park, this is ***, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for tonight, leaving tomorrow.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re sold out for tonight.”

Caller: “Sold out? You mean you don’t have anything?”

Me: “No, I apologize. We are completely sold out.”

Caller: “You can’t be! I need a room. I mean, I’ll take anything! Do you have any suites left?”

Me: “No, ma’am. No more rooms left. That’s what ‘sold out’ means. Everyone has checked into their rooms already.”

Caller: “I don’t believe you! Hotels always have some kind of room set aside for people when they’re sold out.”

Me: “Well… I could fix a roll away bed up on the roof for you if you like. It’s gonna rain a little later, so I hope you don’t mind getting wet.”

Caller: “Really? That would be great! Thank you so much! How much does it cost?”

Me: “Have a good day, ma’am…”

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Hell Hath No Fury Like A Customer Scorned

| Right | May 1, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling **** Networks, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

(I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

Caller: “NO! Stop bulls****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Well, it’s…”

Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

Me: “Sure.”

Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled 5 customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

Me: “Who will that benefit?”

Caller: “ME!”

Me: “How?”

Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

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