Fit To Be Wide

| | Right | December 30, 2008

(An angry, overweight female customer approaches me with a Nintendo Wii Fit and hands me her receipt.)

Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem with it?”

Customer: “I think it’s broken.”

Me: “All right, what’s going on?”

Customer: “Whenever it weighs me and calculates my BMI, it labels me as obese.”

Me: “And…”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be right!”

Me: “From what I’ve heard, the measurements on Wii Fits are fairly accurate. Are you sure you want to return this? They’re pretty hard to find.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying that…”

Customer: “You just called me fat!

Me: “No, I was just saying…”

Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it. It’s obviously not working right. And, I think someone should talk to the designer; make them use a different word. It hurt my feelings.”

Me: *soothingly* “Maybe you could contact Nintendo; write a letter or something.”

Customer: “You know what, I will! I’ll let them know that their stupid game called me obese and made me cry for three hours straight. I haven’t eaten solid food for two days because of it. I’m so hungry! I almost fainted last night. Do you think I can sue?”

Me: “Well, you can sure try. Have a nice day.”

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Thanks For Clearing That Up

| | Right | December 30, 2008

(I notice a female customer shoving a few acne treatments into her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss; you’re going to have to pay for those.”

Customer: “For what?”

Me: “For the treatments you just shoved into your purse.”

Customer: *sounding offended* “I did no such thing!”

Me: “Fine. Will you please show me there aren’t any stolen items in your bag?”

Customer: “No! You’re only doing this because I’m ugly!”

Me: “…what?”

Customer: “I can’t believe an ugly person can’t go out into public anymore without be accused of stealing!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again! *storms out, setting off the alarm and alerting security*

Co-worker: “Maybe we should have just let her have them.”

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Chlorine Wishes And Door Knob Dreams

| | Right | December 30, 2008

Customer: “Hi, what kinds of door knobs do you carry?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have any door knobs.”

Customer: “What?! WHY NOT?”

Me: “Um…because this is a pool supply store.”

Customer: “This is totally unacceptable! I came here to get a new set of door knobs for my garage, and you’re telling me that you won’t sell me any?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty much.”

Customer: “You are so rude! I demand to know the name of the manager! I’m going to complain about this – I hope you liked your job!”

Me: “I do like my job, as a matter of fact. Here you go.”

(I hand her my business card, which states that I am the store manager.).

Me: “Just call this number and I’m sure you’ll be taken care of.”

(The customer grumbles and walks out. She gets into her car and proceeds to call the number on the business card I just handed her.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was just in one of your stores, and the employee was incredibly rude to me. He refused to sell me a set of door knobs.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way ma’am, but as I just told you when you were in the store, we do not sell door knobs.”

Customer: “I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER! NOW!”

Me: “You are, ma’am. I am the store manager.”

(The customer screams and hangs up, then speeds away in her car. In the process, she cuts off a police officer, who promptly pulls her over.)

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The Root Of The Problem

, | | Right | December 29, 2008

Customer: “Hey there! Do you guys have any bamboo wood flooring?”

Customer’s Wife: “Not fake bamboo. Real bamboo.”

Me: “Not in stock, but we can easily special order some for you. Might I ask why you specifically need bamboo?”

Customer: “Well, you see, we had our basement finished a few years ago with oak floors, but since then it has flooded several times. We keep having to tear up the floor and put down new stuff.”

Customer’s Wife: “It’s very annoying.”

Customer: “Very. So we figured that if we had bamboo floors it would be able to soak up the water easily, or be reusable or something like that.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Do you know if bamboo can do that?”

Me: “Um…I’ve never thought much about it, but I think the bigger concern here is whatever’s causing your basement to consistently flood.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Something with the window wells. I just figured this would be a quick fix.”

Me: “Sir, you’re in the completely wrong department.”

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Redemption Is Futile

| | Right | December 29, 2008

Customer: “I want money for this.” *holding up a gift certificate*

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t give you money back for that.”

Customer: “But someone gave YOU money for this; I want MONEY for it.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. Our store is closing. I can talk to Corporate and see if they can do something for you, but it’s Sunday and they’re not open today.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! This is horrible customer service. I’m never shopping here again!”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. We’re closing.”

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