A Man Of Two Words

| | Right | August 5, 2009

Me: *ringing up a sale* “…and did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Oh, that’s too bad. Would you like some assistance finding those items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. What was it that you couldn’t find?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “…pardon?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So…did you not need any help today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then you have everything you need?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well then, have a wonderful day!”

Customer: “No.” *takes bag and leaves*

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Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

| | Right | August 5, 2009

(I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

Other customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

(Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

Little old lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

Other customer: *storms off*

(I hugged the lady and she is now a regular of mine.)

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The Featherweight Watchers Program

| | Right | August 4, 2009

Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

(I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

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Flying The Foul-Mouthed Skies

| | Right | August 4, 2009

(Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in f***, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

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No Gastric Pain, No Gain

| | Right | August 4, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

Me: “I guess it would…”

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