May Contain Scenes Of Gratuitous Bowie

| | Right | April 13, 2009

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for this movie for my daughter: Pan’s Labyrinth. I heard it was very good.”

Me: “Yes, it was very good.”

Customer: “Do you think the girls would like it?”

Me: “I don’t know, how old are they?”

Customer: “Nine.”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, Pan’s Labyrinth isn’t really a kids movie. It’s about the Spanish Civil War.”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “The Spanish Civil War. General Franco. There’s a scene where a man gets his face beaten in.”

Customer: “But in the previews it looks like a kid’s movie, like that other movie with puppets.”

Me: “Do you mean Labyrinth?”

Customer:“Yes!”

Me: “That may be a better choice, trust me.”

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker: “I don’t know if David Bowie’s giant crotch is really safe for kids either…”

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You No Challenge Tarzan

| | Right | April 13, 2009

(I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.)

Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

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Driving Miss Crazy

| | Right | April 13, 2009

(I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)

Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”

Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”

Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am – I have to stop at the designated stops.”

Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”

Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”

Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”

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What A Kilo-Moron

, | | Right | April 13, 2009

Customer: “Hi, can you tell me how big an order of breadsticks is?”

Me: “Well, a small is 6, and a large is 12.”

(The customer and his wife confer for a moment before he turns back to me.)

Customer: “We’re from the States; we don’t use the metric system. Can you convert it?”

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It Only Goes Downhill From Here

| | Right | April 13, 2009

(I’ve just finished bagging a man’s groceries in two paper bags.)

Me: “Have a great night!”

Customer: “Paper bags? NEVER bag my groceries in paper bags!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “If you ever do this again, I’ll kill you! I’ll blow your head off! I have guns!”

Me: “…”

(Two weeks later, the store hired him. I quit.)

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