Not Just Any Warm Crunchy Bread, Mind You

| | Right | November 26, 2007

Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at menu*

Me, 3 minutes later: “I’ll come ba-”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all, I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, that’s what I want…french toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some french toast. How much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have french toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um…toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? What’s that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm crunchy bread!”

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The Problem With Analogies

, , | | Right | November 26, 2007

(A customer wanders down the paint aisle where I’m working and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands)

Me: “[Brand #1] is just a bit thicker than [Brand #2]. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘thicker’?”

Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like [Brand #1] is thicker than [Brand #2].”

Customer: “[Brand #1] is cake batter?”

(It went on like this for a while. I end up leaving him there to contemplate)

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Overlord PX53A-Z Is Not Pleased

, | | Right | November 25, 2007

(A customer gets frustrated after I switch out for a co-worker to go on break on Black Friday)

Customer: “Ugh! That is so frustrating! Why didn’t she wait to leave until I was finished?”

Me: “Ma’am, she’s been here since 3:45 this morning, and she needed a break. Plus, we’re not robots.”

Customer: “Good. I hate robots.”

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Maybe If You Click Your Heels Three Times

, , | | Right | November 25, 2007

Me: *answering phone* “Welcome to the award winning [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I would like a room.”

Me: “And when would you be arriving, sir?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “When do you want the room?”

Caller: “Oh! Tonight…”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are completely booked tonight. Would you like me to provide the number of a nearby establishment?”

Caller: “You have no rooms? Can’t you just give me one of the emergency rooms?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any rooms like that. We sell our rooms until we are out. We don’t keep any rooms for ’emergencies.'”

Caller: “Oh. You have suites, too, don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, we do, but we are completely booked, so there are no rooms available, every kind.”

Caller: “No rooms?”

Me: “No rooms.”

Caller: “No suites?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have no rooms of any kind, suite or otherwise. Now, unless you want to book a room for another night, I am going to have to hang up.”

Caller: “No rooms?”

(*click*)

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Nonsense Be Thy Name

, , , | | Right | November 24, 2007

(Teleconferencing with a client about a commercial I edited for him)

Client: “I don’t like the music you picked. Do you have anything else?”

Me: “The order said you wanted your jingle in the spot. It’s the one you had the radio stations send us…”

Client: *interrupts* “Yeah, yeah. We gotta have the jingle. I just don’t like the music that goes with it.”

Me: “So you want the jingle without the music?”

Client: “Yeah. And, like, can you take the singing out of there? Like, the music, too; can you just edit it out?”

Me: “I don’t think I understand. You want me to edit the jingle so there’s no music or singing?”

Client: “Yeah. I mean you guys can do stuff like that can’t you? Like, with the computers you got?”

Me: “We can’t really, um, do it like that. If you don’t want the jingle sung, we could have [The Jingle’s Hook] read in the voice-over.”

Client: “No, that won’t work. You can’t just read it. We gotta have the melody in there with it.”

Me: *loathes his career choice*

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