One Gets You High Speed, The Other Just Gets You High

| | Right | June 6, 2008

Coworker: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need LSD for my son. You have that, right?”

Coworker: “Uh?”

Customer: “You know, that high speed internet thing…”

Coworker: *trying not to laugh* “You mean DSL?”

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Impersonating Your Boss: FAIL

| | Right | June 6, 2008

Woman: “I am speaking on behalf of my boss. He wants a tax statement… what do I need to do?”

Me: “You need to put your boss on the phone so I can talk to him about this.”

Woman: “No. ”

Me: “Sorry?”

Woman: “He has given me verbal consent to speak on his behalf.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately I wont be able to do that. I will need to speak to your boss directly.”

Woman: “Why?”

Me: “Because I need to do a security check with him to protect his privacy.”

Woman: “What privacy?”

Me: “… his personal information.”

Woman: “He refuses to deal with you himself.”

Me: “Unfortunately he will HAVE to deal with us himself for us to organise this statement for him. Verbal consent is not valid as we hold very private information about our clients.”

Woman: *deepens voice, obviously attempting to sound like a man* “Okay then, my name is [boss’ name], I was born on [birthdate] and this is my card.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I know that you are not your boss. We do need to speak to Mr. **** himself. Is there anything else i can help with?”

Woman: “F**K YOU!”

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They Should Also Slice, Dice And Julienne Fries

, | | Right | June 6, 2008

Customer: “I am looking for some heels, in white. They also have to be dressy, like for a wedding…”

Me: “No problem… we have some over here.”

Customer: “But I need to be able to hike in them because it’s outdoors.”

Me: “Uhh, maybe if we looked over here…”

Customer: “It also has be open, kind of like a sandal.”

Me: “We have some nice hiking sandals…”

Customer: “But it has to be waterproof because it rains a lot where we are and I need something to keep the water out.”

Me: “This might be difficult.”

Customer: “Oh! And it has to be super comfortable, with excellent arch support.”

Me: “We’re kind of limited here…”

Customer: “And no backstraps, because I have plantar fasciitis and backstraps will just hurt all day.”

Me: “So you are looking for a white pair of waterproof hiking sandals with no backstrap, but with heels and excellent arch support?”

Customer: “You forgot comfortable.”

Me: “I am sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I said I needed them to be super comfortable.”

Me: “And you’re serious? Have you ever seen shoes like this anywhere else?”

Customer: “Well, I would think that’s your job.”

Me: “I thought so too, but then again I am not a magician.”

Customer: “That is very offensive! I demand to speak to your manager!”

(Naturally, the manager was called, who promptly proceeded to laugh her out of the store.)

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Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

, | | Right | June 6, 2008

Me: “Costume Design & Rental, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, do you guys have any costumes?”

Me: “Yes, we have a 5,000 square foot warehouse.”

Caller: “And do you rent them?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “How much is it?”

Me: “It depends on what kind of costume are you looking for.”

Caller: “I don’t know… can’t you just tell me how much it is?”

Me: “Not without knowing what you want, no.”

Caller: “Fine, whatever.” *click*

(10 minutes later, they call back.)

Me: “Costume Design & Rental, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have any giant penis costumes?”

Me: “… uh, no. I don’t think we do.”

Caller: “Darn.” *click*

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He Does Have A Good Point

, | | Right | June 5, 2008

(A man walks through the service door into the kitchen of the restaurant. I work the drive-thru, right next to the service door.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Man: “Hi, I’d like to order some food.”

Me: “Um, I think you went in the wrong door, sir.”

Man: “No, I didn’t. That door says ‘service’ on it.”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to go up front to the dining room.”

Man: “Can’t you just take my order here?”

Me: “Um, I suppose…”

(I take his order, make his drink, and the cooks make his food. I hand it to him.)

Man: “Thanks! I’ll be sure to come back!”

Me: “Can you use the main door next time?”

Man: “Why? I got such good service through the service door!”

(As soon as he leaves, the cooks and I burst out laughing.)

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