Will Stop Playing For Food

| Right | February 24, 2009

(It’s the end of the day on my mother’s hot dog cart, when I was about 17. We stop cooking and decide to hang up a sign selling the remaining cooked food 2-for-1. There’s an annoying guy that’s been badly playing the accordion next to our cart
all day. )

Accordion guy: “Closing, eh? I’d like four Italian sausage, two cheeseburgers, and two hot dogs!”

(My mom happily packs up the order into a box as I ring up the total.)

Me: “That’ll be $10.50.”

Accordion guy: “What? No! It’s $4!”

Me: “Cheeseburgers are $3.50, sausage is $3, and hot dogs are $2. We’re having a special right now, but there’s still no way it adds up to only $4.”

Accordion guy: “NO! Your sign says two-for-one! Two things for one dollar! I got eight things, so it’s $4!”

Me: “That’s not at all what that sign means. It means you get two things for the price of one.”

Accordion guy: “Yes it does! That’s exactly what it means!”

Me: “Sir, I wrote the sign myself. Several customers have come up to the cart in the last few minutes, and haven’t had any trouble with this concept.”

Accordion guy: “It’s $4!”

Me: “You saying that doesn’t make it true.”

My mom, quietly, to me: “Whatever. If he’s eating, he can’t play the accordion!”

Me: “Sir, that will be $4, please!”

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That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

, | | Right | February 24, 2009

(I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz – who do you recommend?”

Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

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Getting Lost On The Super Highway

| | Right | February 24, 2009

Me: “**** Pizza, **** speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need directions to your store.”

Me: “OK, we’re located at **** Drive and **** Street.”

Customer: “So, if I come out of my driveway, do I turn left or right? East or West?

Me: “Uh… do you have a computer?”

Customer: “Yes, but why?”

Me: “Well, there’s this website, Mapquest.com–they should be able to help you.”

Customer: “Oh, well how do I get to Mapquest? Left or right?”

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Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

| | Right | February 24, 2009

(I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

Me: “Good afternoon, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Listen sweetie, I just want the phone number for **** company.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I just want the number for **** company, so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in H***.”

Me: “You know what? I’m OK with that.”

Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in H***!”

Me: “Well, as long as H*** is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

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Now Hiring: Omniscient Employees

| | Right | February 23, 2009

Me: ¬†”Good morning, this is ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: ¬†”Hi there! ¬†About a month ago you guys had a festival in the
park, right?”

Me: ¬†”Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

Caller: ¬†”No,¬†I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

Me: ¬†”Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

Caller: ¬†”That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. ¬†Do you remember?”

Me: ¬†”No, I don’t, I’m sorry. I just placed the ad.¬†I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

Caller: ¬†”Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

Me: ¬†”Umm, no I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

Caller: ¬†”Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”

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