Hulk Smash Weasel Customer

| | Right | June 18, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling ******, my name is Ken. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys make custom deep dish pizza’s?”

Me: “If by ‘custom’ you mean like a chef’s choice, then yes, we do.”

Customer: “And how much is that?”

Me: “Well, a regular sized deep dish, with tax included, will come to $18.01. With that, you get a choice of three toppings.”

Customer: “Great, then gimme a pizza with half pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms. On the other half I want roasted veggies, bacon, and spinach.

Me: “Okay sir, now I must warn you that your new total comes to $24.37 because you have six items total.”

Customer: “What? No, I have three items on each side. Therefore, I should be fine.”

Me: “Sir, I do apologize for the misunderstanding. While it is true that you have three items on each side, the items are on ONE whole pizza. So, we have to charge you for the three extra toppings.”

Customer: “Now listen here! One regular deep dish is equal to two individuals, correct?”

Me: “Yes, but–”

Customer: “HEY, Shut up for a second! Now, two individuals are equal to one regular. CORRECT?”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

Customer: “Now using this logic, I should get my pizza for the price of two individuals.”

Me: “Sir, as much as I would like to agree with you, I simply can’t–”

Customer: “Let me see your manager. It’s obvious I can’t reason with you.”

(My manager comes up to deal with the situation. I walk away from the scene to seat some guests, when I hear…)

Manager: “HEY, 3+3=6, YOU HAVE 6 TOPPINGS, SO YOU OWE $24.37! HAVE A NICE DAY!”

(The guy quietly paid for his food and walked out like someone just threatened his life!)

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Armageddon Shopping List: Holy Water, Crucifix, Tic Tac

| | Right | June 18, 2008

(I was working at the express lane one Sunday morning, and this family comes in. Keep in mind that they look like something straight out of the Beverly Hillbillies. So they purchase a few things, and their total comes up to $6.66.)

Customer: *looks at total in horror and points to son* “Quick, get some candy, gum, anything!”

(His son then proceeds to throw a box of Tic Tacs at me.)

Customer: “I will not have the Devil’s number as my total!”

Me: “Thank you sir, have a nice day!”

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How To Lose Your Marbles In Style

, | | Right | June 17, 2008

(Our store used to have a completely gutted 1957 Chevy truck as a center piece. It was part of the store’s trademark. Walking down the store past the truck, I am stopped by an old man.)

Me: “Sir?”

Old Man: “Young lady, how much are you selling this truck for?”

Me: “Sorry sir, the truck isn’t for sale. It’s owned by [company].”

Old Man: “I’ll give you 100 dollars for it.”

Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. I apologize.”

Old Man: “All right…I’ll give you two hundred!”

Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. And even if it was, it would be for a LOT more than 200 dollars.”

Old Man: “Yes, I suppose you’re right… SAY! SOMEONE STEALING, LOOK!” *points behind me*

(As I turn to look behind me, the man climbs the crates next to the truck, opens the driver’s seat door and gets behind the wheel.)

Old Man: “WHOOOOOOOOO-HAW! CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, CAN YOU!” *swings steering wheel around and starts to make gun noises* “PEW PEW! PEWW PEW!”

(Mall Security ended up being called, after the old man was “trying” to run us over. I wish I was joking.)

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What Happens When You Assume

| | Right | June 17, 2008

(I worked at a shop that did passport photos. There was a fifteen minute wait on the pictures, so people normally just left and came back…)

Me: “That’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.”

Customer: “I’ll come back. Do you need my name?”

Me: “No, I don’t need it.”

Customer: “You little snot. It’s ’cause there’s a black man in here!”

Me: “Sir, I am not racist. ”

Customer: “Oh, sure you’re not, you racist snot.”

Me: “Sir, I have your picture. That’s why I do not need your name.”

(The customer walked out and I never saw him again.)

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Make Coffee, Not War

| | Right | June 17, 2008

(I work at a coffee shop that is NOT a certain well-known coffee empire. Our company name is clearly displayed out front, on the menu, on the register, on our aprons and we generally don’t look a thing like the other company.)

Customer: “I’d like a medium mocha.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.26.”

(The customer pays, and comes to the end of the bar to pick up her drink.)

Customer: “Wait a second. This isn’t Starbucks.”

Coworker: “Nope, we’re *** Coffee.”

Customer: “Well, never mind. I wanted Starbucks. Give me my money back.”

Coworker: “I have your drink ready… give it a taste, and if you still don’t like it, we’d be happy to refund your money. ”

Customer: “NO! Just give me my money back! This isn’t Starbucks! I wanted Starbucks!”

Me: “Um, okay…”

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