Barking Up Your Own Tree

| | Right | September 24, 2009

(Note: our coffee shop shares a building with a Mexican fast food place.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [coffee shop], *** speaking.”

Caller: “Hey, are you guys right beside [Mexican fast food place]?”

Me: “Yeah, just come in the same door.”

Caller: “Actually, I want to order from them, but they aren’t answering their phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Their manager comes in here fairly often. I’ll let him know he’s missing calls.”

Caller: “Will you go over and place my order for me and have it delivered?”

Me: “Ahh‚ĶI can’t do that. I don’t work for them.”

Caller: “Please? It will just take a moment.¬†I can’t leave work.”

Me: “Neither can I, sir.”

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He Scolds Sea Shells By The Seafood Store

| | Right | September 24, 2009

(A customer walks up to me with a box of popcorn shrimp.)

Customer: “Excuse me, is this okay for someone with a shell fish allergy? My daughter is highly allergic to shell fish.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but shrimp are shell fish. Maybe you should get popcorn chicken instead?”

Customer: “But it says it’s popcorn shrimp! That means that the shell is made of popcorn and not an actual shell. In that case, it would no longer be a shell fish and only seafood, right?

Me: “Sir, shrimp has a shell, so it is a shell fish. The shells are not made out of popcorn.”

Customer: “LIES!” *storms off, but thankfully leaves the box*

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Machines 1, Humanity -16

| | Right | September 24, 2009

(It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?”

Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

 

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Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 3

| | Right | September 23, 2009

Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Customer: “I want the chocolate ice cream.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What size would you like?”

Customer: “I want the size that fits in the waffle cone.”

Me: “All of our sizes will fit in the waffles.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “What size would you like?”

Customer: “The one that comes in a waffle cone.”

Me: “We can put any of the sizes in the waffles.”

Customer: (Pause.) “Will the small fit in the waffle cone?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “What about the medium?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And the large?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: (Longer pause.) “So, if I get the medium, can you put it in a waffle cone?”

 

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Intentions As Clear As Glass

| | Right | September 23, 2009

(A customer comes up to the cash register holding her bill in one hand and a half-full glass of soda in the other. She sets the bill on the counter and hands me the glass.)

Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. Did your waitress forget to bring you a to-go cup?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m all finished, thanks.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just take this back to the dish-room to have it washed.”

Customer: “Actually, could you just empty it and bring it back up here?”

Me: “You mean empty it into a to-go cup?”

Customer: “No, just dump the soda out and bring me the empty glass.”

Me: “What are you going to do with an empty glass?”

Customer: “Shove it in my purse and haul my a** out of here!”

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