The Pope Might Have Something To Say About That

, | | Right | April 2, 2008

Customer: “Sir, it is a sin to sell these Halloween decorations.”

Me: “How else could folks get them?”

Customer: “That’s not the point. Halloween is for devil worshippers.”

Me: “No, it’s a Christian holiday, ushering in All Saints’ Day.”

Customer: “No, that’s Catholic. I’m a Christian.”

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I Like My Italians Color-Coded, Too

| | Right | April 2, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today, ma’am?”

Lady: “Hi, yes. I’d like to get a bottle of wine for my neighbor.”

Me: “Alright, what kind?”

Lady: “Kind?”

Me: “Yes, red or white?”

Lady: “Oh, there are two kinds?”

Me: “Well, there are more than two, but those are general groups.”

Lady: “Oh, well, he’s Italian…I think…so we’ll go with Italian.”

Me: “Alright, a red or a white Italian?”

Lady: “Well, he’s kind of Tan, but I guess White.”

Me: “Um…not your neighbor. The wine, ma’am?”

Lady: “Oh…the Italian wines have groups too? I guess one of each…”

(This was just the beginning, as I had to describe the fact that there are numerous Red and White wine varieties. You can imagine how that went.)

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That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

| | Right | April 2, 2008

(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

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A Customer And A Blowtorch: This Cannot End Well

| | Right | April 1, 2008

(At our store, we sell mostly tool related items. At the time, I worked in the welding section, and was letting a customer try out a few welding. He was trying a MIG welder, which requires you to be quite close to the work.)

Customer: “Why isn’t this working?” (Holds torch about three feet from work.)

Me: “Well, you have to hold it about an inch away from the work for it to work.”

Customer: “Why isn’t it working?” (He has it about a foot away now.)

Me: “Closer…”

Customer: (Six inches.)

Me: “Closer…”

Customer: (Three inches.)

Me: “Closer…”

Customer: “Why isn’t it working!” (He has just welded the torch to the work.)

Me: “Not that close!!!!”

(This goes on for a good 20 minutes, even after I ran a beautiful bead for him at the right distance.)

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Natural Selection In Action

, | | Right | April 1, 2008

(A man walks in and is very excited about getting a cheese steak.)

Customer: “Let me get everything on that, but no tomatoes!”

Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t come with tomatoes.”

Customer: “Good! No tomatoes though, man. Absolutely no tomatoes! I’m allergic to tomatoes, man.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

Customer: “Good. Just make sure there’s no tomatoes ’cause I’m really allergic to them and I could die. If you put tomatoes on there it will kill me!”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Now let me get extra ketchup.”

Me: “…”

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