The Imperial Left Or The Metric Left

| | Right | October 19, 2009

Guest: “How do you get to a cash machine??”

Me: “You exit the hotel, turn left, and then–”

Guest: “Turn left?”

Me: “Yes, left.”

Guest: “Left?”

Me: “Yes, left.” *pointing with my hand*

Guest: *confused* “Left…right…”

Me: “Left in England is the same as left in America.”

Guest: “Oh, okay! I get it!”

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Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde, Part 2

| | Right | October 19, 2009

(I’m ringing up a sweater for a customer at the till.]

Customer: “This isn’t for me. It’s for that homeless guy across the street.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you, ma’am.”

Customer: “I know! It’s important to give back to the less fortunate.”

(As I’m finishing with the transaction, she’s glances around the store.)

Customer: “Wow, it’s pretty dead in here.”

Me: “Yeah, we get a slow day every now and again.”

Customer: “Well, I know that. I figured there would be a lot of people cashing their welfare cheques today.”

(I’m not sure what to day to that, so I finish the transaction. As I’m putting the sweater in the bag with the rest of her items…)

Customer: “Woah! Put that in a different bag, please. I don’t want that bum’s sweater touching my stuff!”


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Too Much Violence On TV, Even More When It’s Off

| Right | October 19, 2009

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “You shut me off!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems. Let me pull up your account.”

Customer: “I ain’t got no d*** account with you, you rip people off so I figure I’ll rip you off, and then you go and shut me off again!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, what address is this for?”

(Customer gives his address and is documented for repeated cable theft.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but this account needs to be paid for if you want to have cable service.”

Customer: “No it don’t. I’ll just go on back there and hook up my wires and it’ll come in fine.”

Me: “Yes sir, that is possible, but it’s against the law to tap into lines without a paid account.”

Customer: “Well you better make it harder because I’m just gonna go hook it up again, and you better stop unhooking my lines.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m afraid we’ll continue to take down any unauthorized hook ups, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? Well, I’ll be waiting with a shotgun next time!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too, sir.”

Customer: “No it ain’t! I got the right to bear arms and if you come out here, I’m gonna BEAR ARMS ON YOU!”

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Phishing For Answers

| | Right | October 19, 2009

Me: “This is [company name].”

Customer: “Hi, who’s this?”

Me: “Are you calling for tech support?”

Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?”

Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s cool, anything else you do, other features?”

Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.”

Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?”

Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.”

Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission…like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?”

Me: “No, guests must be attending the conference and give permission for this.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not interested then.” *click*

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When Age Equals I.Q.

| Right | October 19, 2009

(Our car insurance policies include an extension that lets customers drive other vehicles with minimum-level cover, but it’s only available to customers over 25.)

Me: “Good morning, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a policy with you. Will it let me drive other cars?”

Me: “It might. Could I ask your age, please?”

Customer: “I’m 23.”

Me: “I’m afraid not, you have to be 25 years old or over before we give you that extension.”

Customer: “Oh, ok, how do I get that, then?”

Me: “…you have to turn 25.”

Customer: “Oh! When will that be?”

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