Fighting Crazy With Crazy

| | Right | March 13, 2008

(Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s not working!”

Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”

Customer: “WELL THAT’S GREAT, A**HOLE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! SEND ME A TECH, NOW!”

Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

Customer: “???” *hangs up*

(I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

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I Said, Zzzzip It

| | Right | March 13, 2008

Customer: “I’m trying to add an FTP user, and I can’t figure out what to do.”

Me: “Alright, sir. I see that this is on a server for which you declined a support contract. All I can do is to direct you to the help center article that will instruct you how to do this; I can’t add it for you, or walk you through it.”

Customer: “Look, all I’m trying to do is add an FTP user.”

Me: “Sir, when you purchased this server we offered a support contract, which you declined–”

Customer: “I just want to add an FTP user! You should be able to do that for me!”

Me: “–and when you declined the support contract, you had to click on a button to accept full responsibility for managing your server.”

Customer: “This isn’t a server management issue. I’m just trying to add an FTP user.”

Me: “Sir, true or false? You purchased this server from us.”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “You declined the support contract, true or false?”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “And you accepted full responsibility for managing the server, true or false?”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “…so, why are you asking me?”

Customer: “…” *click*

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So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…

| | Right | March 13, 2008

(I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

Customer: “I told that guy…”

(The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a superman costume was sleeping.)

Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!!!”

Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”

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How About We Change His Diaper Too

| | Right | March 12, 2008

Me: “[University name], how may I transfer your call?”

Lady: “Yes, my son missed his first day of class and for some reason the class room has changed and he can’t find it.”

Me: “He can come into the computer lab and look up his schedule to verify which room the class is located.”

Lady: “He is on campus right now wandering around and no one is helping him. He is already late for class, and it is your fault. Can you go find him and take him to his class?”

Me: “…we don’t provide those services. He can come look he schedule and then go to class.”

Lady: “Urgh!” *click*

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Mmmm, Crunchy

| | Right | March 12, 2008

(I used to work in a retail store as a cashier. I would sometimes get people who would hand me empty wrappers or pop bottles saying they had eaten/drank the contents while shopping. I was used to it, and appreciated honesty. Then this….)

Me: “Hello, how are you today?”

Customer: “Good…”

(The customer hands me empty a hot dog vacuum-seal wrapper thingie. THE FROZEN ONES.)

Customer: “I ate these while I was shopping. Could you ring them up for me?”

Me: *facepalm*

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