We Only Have The Other Kind

| | Right | January 26, 2009

Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

Me: “Various prices – what version are you looking for?”

Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

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If At First You Don’t Succeed…

| | Right | January 26, 2009

(A guest was locked out of their condo, but since they booked through a separate company, I couldn’t let him back in.)

Customer: “So…there’s no way you have a master key that can let me in?”

Me: “No. Our keys don’t work for other company’s units.”

Customer: “But..I have a key. It just doesn’t work.”

Me: “We can’t make new keys for units we don’t manage.”

Customer: “So…if there’s a fire….”

Me: “In that case, you’d want to get OUT of the building.”

Customer: “Right….”

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For My Next Trick…

| | Right | January 26, 2009

(A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

Me: “With your car keys?”

Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

(I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

(My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

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Clarity Is Key

| | Right | January 23, 2009

Me: “Hi sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”

Customer: “Fish.”

Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”

Customer: “Dead fish.”

Me: “…”

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When In Doubt, Improvise

| | Right | January 23, 2009

(Some days when there aren’t enough lifeguards, we have to close off the deep end of the wave pool – but, we aren’t allowed to tell guests that reason.)

Customer: “What’s with the buoy line?”

Me: “It’s there to keep you from entering the deep end.”

Customer: “Well, duh! Why is it there?”

Me: “Oh, the deep end is closed right now.”

Customer: “That’s so f****** stupid! There’s no reason the deep end should be closed!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The water is…broken.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry then. Have a nice day.”

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