“Blurgh!?” Is Right

, | | Right | November 2, 2007

Customer in an ice cream shop: “Wait, your mint ice cream is white?”

Me: “That’s right. We don’t use artificial colors in our ice cream.”

Customer: “So shouldn’t your Orange Cream ice cream be green, since oranges are green?”

Me: “Blurgh!?”

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Welcome to People’s Pizza, Comrade

, | | Right | November 2, 2007

Old man: “Well, I’d like 3 slices, all meat and a Coke.”

Me: “Is Pepsi okay? We don’t serve Coke anymore.”

Old man: “WHAT?!?!?!?!? YOU DON’T SERVE COKE? ANYMORE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”

Me: “Well, we used to sell both brands. It was just far too expensive to keep both stocked when most people aren’t devastated by not having Coke.”

Old man: “THAT’S ABSURD! WHO DOESN’T SELL COKE! THAT’S INSANITY!”

Me: (at this point, I’m egging him on and holding back laughter) “Well…you can go next door. The convenience store probably sells Coke, but I can’t guarantee it.”

Old man: “That’s what I’ll do! You won’t get my $0.75!”

Me: “Umm…okay. I’ll have your pizza in just a minute.”

His wife: “Don’t mind him. He’s crazy.”

Old man: “Shut it! What kind of a day and age is it when you don’t sell Coke? It’s just plain un-American.”

Me: “…you know Coke cans are red. Like communism. ”

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A Strong Case for Reproductive Licensing

| | Right | November 1, 2007

(I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)

Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”

Patient: “No?”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you sexually active?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Do you still have periods?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you on birth control?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Do you use condoms?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

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A Pseudo-Existential Moment

| | Right | November 1, 2007

Technician: “Good morning, *** Technical Support.”

Caller: “Is this technical support?”

Technician: “Yes.”

Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

Technician: (Confused) “What number did you phone in on?”

Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

Technician: (Thoroughly confused) “It’s this number, it’s the number you’ve just dialed.”

Caller: “Thank you. Goodbye.”

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There’s Dumb, And Then There’s Scary Dumb

, | | Right | November 1, 2007

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, I’d like to buy tickets for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party.”

Me: “Wonderful, when will you be attending?”

Woman: “Tonight.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, we actually have sold out for tonight’s event.”

Woman: “Oh, okay, I’ll just get tickets when I get to the park.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t have any tickets at all left. You won’t be able to purchase them at the park.”

Woman: “Right, you’re just sold out of advance tickets, that’s okay, I’ll just get them there.”

Me: “I’m so sorry ma’am, we are sold out of ALL tickets. That means there are NONE available when you get there.”

Woman: “But I can still go, right? I just won’t have a ticket?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t attend Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party without a ticket, and we do not have any tickets available.”

Woman: “Fine, I’ll get my tickets when I get to the park.”

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