Be Scared Of Customers You Will

, , | | Right | October 23, 2009

(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket, please?”

Customer: “The Force is strong with this one.”

Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

Customer: “I challenge you to a lightsaber battle!”

(Suddenly, the customer whips out two lightsabers from under his cloak.)

Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

Me: “No, not today, sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

Customer: “But… but I have challenged you! I sense the Force within you is strong!”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *looks around* “All right, just give me one.”

(He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

(I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand, and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

Manager: “Well?”

(Literally defeated, I headed back to work.)

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You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2

, | | Right | October 22, 2009

Customer: “Why do you people keep calling me!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Ever since I bought this blasted phone the only phone calls I have gotten are from you people! I want you to stop calling me!”

Me: “I’m not sure what-”

Customer: “You know exactly what I’m talking about! How can you be so rude as to call someone’s house to bother them? Other people are trying to get through and are complaining to me because they aren’t getting a hold of me at home!”

Me: “Do you have it with you?”

Customer: “YES!” *pulls the phone out of purse* “LOOK! Right there! It’s your people’s number! It’s so rude!”

(When you buy the phones, they have a sticker over the caller ID screen with our 1800 number on it. She hands me the phone with the sticker still on it.)

Me: “It’s okay, ma’am, we haven’t been calling you, there’s simply this sticker on the screen.”

Customer: “Why aren’t you answering my question?”

Me: *removes the sticker* “See? It was just a sticker. That’s all it was…”

Customer: “So the number isn’t on the phone now?”

Me: “Nope, our number won’t be on your phone anymore.”

Customer: “Does this mean you people will leave me alone?”

Me: “Yes, I promise our corporate headquarters will stop calling you now.”

Customer: “Ok, thank you!”

 

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When Super-Sized Burgers Meet Bite-Sized Brains

, | | Right | October 22, 2009

(At the fast food restaurant where I work, we’ve just introduced a burger that is very large. Three customers come into the store…)

Customer #1: “Can I get that new burger?”

Me: “Sure, would you like anything else?”

Customer #2: “Oh my God! You’re getting the new burger?!”

Customer #1: “Yeah!”

Customer #2, to me: “Hey, would that burger fit in my mouth?” *opens his mouth wide*

Me: “No, sir. I seriously believe it won’t.”

Customer #2: “What about now?” *opens bigger*

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer #2: “NOW?” *opens it as large as he possibly can*

Me: “No.”

Customer #3: “I apologise for his small mouth.” *hits the second customer on the head*

Me: “That’s okay.”

Customer #3: “So, would it fit in mine?” *opens mouth*

Me: “No it won’t, sir…”

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Patty And Selma Go Cruising

| | Right | October 22, 2009

(Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)

Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”

Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”

Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”

Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”

Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*

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They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , | | Right | October 22, 2009

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

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