I Tremble For Our Children

| | Right | March 18, 2008

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

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Playing Doctor

| | Right | March 17, 2008

Me: “[Hospital Name] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

(I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

Patient: “Yeah, but it’s alright. They just give me a rash.”

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Why Some Folks Have Children

| | Right | March 17, 2008

(A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…porn.”

Me: “You mean adult movies?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

Customer: “I want some porn now! What kind of store is this?”

Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some porn with my wife.”

Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

(Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

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The Fine Art Of Self Grossed-Outification

, | | Right | March 17, 2008

(Note: we are VERY generous in offering frozen yogurt samples in those tiny paper cups that could fit on your thumb.)

Me: “Here you go, our six choices!” *offers samples*

(Customer takes samples and shoves the whole thing in her mouth and sucks contents out. When done, she puts the cups back on the counter with yogurt and a LITTLE bit of saliva dripping off the sides. She scoots them in my direction.)

Me: *stares back, thinking, are you serious?*

Customer: *stares back at me for what seems like forever*

Me: “There is a trashcan right below you that you could put those in.”

Customer: “Ew, I’m not touching those! That’s your job.”

(The customer walks away, leaving me staring at the messy glob of cups on our front counter.)

Me: O___o

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Mission: Impossible, Part 2

| | Right | March 16, 2008

(An elderly man comes into the store and buys two cigars, I place them in a bag and try to hand him his receipt.)

Elderly Man: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just throw it away for you.”

Elderly Man: “Don’t do that I need it!”

Me: “Here you are then.” *trying to hand it back*

Elderly Man: “What am I suppose to do with it?!”

Me: “You said that you needed it.”

Elderly Man: “I do! But where in the hell am I suppose to put it!”

Me: “Your wallet or your pocket, maybe?”

Elderly Man: “It will get mixed up with everything else and I’ll have to dig it out and throw it away when I get home! I don’t want it!”

Me: “So you want me to throw it away for you?”

Elderly Man: “No, I need it to show my wife!”

Me: *confused* “Do you want it in your bag?”

Elderly Man: “Well that’s what it’s for, isn’t it–to carry things? What’s wrong with you trying to hand someone a receipt? Where the hell would they put it?!”

(I placed his receipt in his bag and he left muttering about me. He became a regular after that, and never again did I hand him a receipt.)

 

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