In Search Of Mrs. Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not

| | Right | July 3, 2009

Me: “Hello, how are you doing tonight?”

(The customer says nothing for a few moments while blatantly staring at me.)

Customer: “…you have two air holes.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “You only have two air holes!”

Me: “Well, yes. Two NOSTRILS, you mean.”

Customer: *continues to stare intently at me*

Me: “…”

Customer: “You should have three. I have been looking all my life for someone with three nostrils, but I still haven’t found her!”

Me: “Oh…really.”

Customer: “Yeah! I’ve traveled the world, but no luck.”

Me: *accepts his money and bags the item* “Well, you have fun with that!”

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Clucks Can Be Deceiving

| | Right | July 3, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I just ordered sweet and sour chicken from your establishment, and one of my pieces of chicken is shaped like a fish.”

Me: “Well, the chicken is in all different shapes, ma’am.”

Customer: “So it’s not fish? It’s still chicken?”

Me: “Uh, yes.”

Customer: “Oh, OK!”

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Have No Internet, Use No Internet

| | Right | July 3, 2009

(We are technical support for a VoIP telephone company, which means they have to have broadband internet for their phone to work.)

Customer: *on the phone* “Sales just sent me to you because I wasn’t sure if what I have is internet.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I can help you determine that. Who is your service through?”

Customer: *names phone company that provides DSL* “It’s so when people call me, they can leave a message.”

Me: “Okay, sir, that would be your answering service. Internet would be another feature you pay $30 to $60 a month for, and they would send you a small box that hooks to your computer.”

Customer: “Computers are evil. I bought one and got rid of it the next day!”

Me: “Our phone service is not going to be right for you, sir. If you’d like we could help you find internet, but without a computer you would be paying only to sustain the phone.”

Customer: “I don’t want no evil internet! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

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Wild Creatures Of The Stupid Kingdom

| | Right | July 2, 2009

(I was shopping in a comic book store with my brother when a female customer approached me.)

Girl: “You know what I’m going to do in college?”

Me: “Er, what?”

Girl: “I’m going to bark after every word when talking to the first person I see! Then they’ll go to my friends and say ‘Hey, where’s ****, the girl who barks?’, and nobody will know what they mean!”

Me: “Uh…okay. Good idea.”

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When Customers Shop Past Their Naptime

| | Right | July 2, 2009

Customer: “I can’t believe I had to open the door on my way in! It opens for me on the way out. Customers shouldn’t have to open doors.”

Me: “But sir, if the ‘In’ door was automatic, it would smack you in the face.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I shouldn’t be expected to open my own doors.”

Me: “Well, you could always use the handicapped button. That will open the door for you.”

Customer: *stomps his foot* “No! No! No! No!”

(The customer leaves looking at me expectantly and pointing at the automatic door on his way out.)

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