University Of Homer Simpson, Part 2

, | | Right | April 23, 2009

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

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Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 3

| | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, *** speaking.”

Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

Customer: “But what do they mean?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”


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Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too

| | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

(I send the other cheeseburger back.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Getting you a new one?”

Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

Me: “… have a great day, ma’am.”

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Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days

| | Right | April 23, 2009

(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “OK, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’ – can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir…that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir…it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know sir, maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

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A Few Carrots Short Of A Bunch

| | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.)

Client: *on the phone* “My reports look wrong.”

Me: “All right, let’s take a look.”

(I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to his database – something outside of my company’s control.)

Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database – once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.”

Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.”

Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.”

Client: “It’s still your fault.”

(This goes on for 20 minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.)

Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?”

Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.”

Me: “OK, fine – if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?”

Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!”

Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.”

Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.”


Me: “That’s because you are one.”

Client: “NO I’M NOT!”

Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, 30 seconds ago.”

Client: “I LIED!”

Me: “…why?”


Me: “No, I’m not.”


(She kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I then hung up. No one in the company has heard from her since.)

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