Eau De Customer

| | Right | February 28, 2008

Customer: “Yo, I need some headphones!”

Me: “Over by the windows are where we keep the headphones. Have a look and let me know if you have any questions.”

Customer: “Well, which ones should I buy?”

Me: “Well, I tend to recommend Sony. They’re a little pricier, but the sound quality and durability are far better.”

Customer: “I got money! Hold on.” *pulls out a fat wad of cash and starts counting it* “One hundred, two hundred. Yeah, I think I got enough.”

Me: *smelling booze off him and realizing he’s drunk* “So would you like to go with a Sony, then?”

Customer: “You like my coat?”

Me: “What? Um, yes, it’s a very nice coat.”

Customer: “Smell it. It’s real leather. Here.” *holds out coat*

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, I do not want to smell your coat.”

Customer: “C’mon it’s a nice coat. I paid 175 dollars for that s***, ON SALE!”

Me: *hesitates, but smells the coat* “Yes. It’s a very nice coat. Did you want to go with a Sony then?” *I notice my coworkers beginning to laugh*

Customer: “Maaaaaaaan. C’mon. I got this nice coat, this cash. Maybe if I take some skin off my nose and put it on my dick…” *stumbles around*

Me: *walks away*

Coworker:: “What did he say to you? I saw that he was bothering you, so I called security.” *phone rings*

Me: “Hello?”

Store Security: “Hey, this is store security checking in. I’ve been watching this guy over the security cameras.”

Me: “It’s okay, he left. I think he was drunk.”

Store Security: *sort of laughing* “Yeah yeah, I know. Um….. Did he ask you to smell his COAT?”

Me: *laughing hysterically*

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Endlessly Loopy

| | Right | February 28, 2008

Man on phone: “Hi, I don’t think this DVD is working properly.”

Me: “What happened, exactly?”

Man on phone: “We put it in and it plays, but the movie is only a couple minutes long and then it starts over again.”

Me: “Are there any words on the screen?”

Man on phone: “Yes. The title of the movie and some other things.”

Me: “Is there a word that says Play or Play Movie?”

Man on phone: “Yes.”

Me: “Just hit the play button on you remote control or DVD player.”

Man on phone: “Wow! Thanks! It’s doing something else now. I just thought it was a short movie.”

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Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

| | Right | February 28, 2008

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

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Just Wait Until She Names Her Kids

| | Right | February 28, 2008

(This customer called in to reactivate her account. She didn’t remember the original password so I reset it for her)

Me: “All right, your password must be at least six characters in length, contain letters and numbers, and cannot be a common dictionary word. What would you like it to be?”

Customer: “Eat sh*t.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The password–eatsh*t.”

Me: “Alright…but it requires a number.”

Customer: “Oh….”

Me: “How about 1eatsh*t1?”

Customer: “Great!”

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Tweedledee and Tweedledum

| | Right | February 27, 2008

(…so it was my job to exchange prizes for tickets. A customer comes up to me and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 24 tickets.”

(Customer looks around at prizes.)

Customer: “How much is that remote control car?”

Me: “That’s 600 tickets. You should probably look at the smaller prizes you can afford, like the rings and rubber snakes. They are only two tickets each.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take that lava lamp.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the lava lamp is 14,000 tickets and you have 24 so I highly suggest looking at cheaper prizes like these rubber snakes.”

(Customer finally decides he needs to go get more tickets and returns to playing games. Another customer approaches and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 650 tickets.”

Another Customer: “Okay, I’d like 80 of the snakes but only red and green ones.”

Me: “Wouldn’t you prefer a remote control car or this water gun?”

Another Customer: “No, I want snakes!”

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