How Dorothy Does Her Shopping

| | Right | April 9, 2008

(This happened during a tornado that crashed down just up the street from the store I worked in. The power went out, and one of the AC units had almost been ripped off the building. After a brief panic in which all customers and staff were shut in the tornado-shelter/assistant manager’s office, we employees locked down the building and started counting down registers, waiting until the storm had calmed down to let anyone go. It was raining, and the parking lot was actually flooding at this point.)

Me: “Wouldn’t it be funny if someone came tearing in here, possessed with the desire to buy something? Because obviously, in the dark, during a tornado, this is the best time to beat crowds.”

Norma (team lead): *laughs* “That’s mean.”

(Not ten minutes later, standing by the glass front doors to watch the storm, we see a woman run across the four-lane highway outside, dodging between stopped cars. She tears across the parking lot, carrying her high heels in her hand, and stops to put them on before trying the doors to our building. She tugs, but they’re locked, so of course, she knocks. After a moment of amazement, our Ladies department manager Lara answers the door.)

Lara: “Ma’am, we’re closed.”

Woman: *panting* “Really?”

Me: “Tornado took our power out.”

Woman: “Are you really closed?”

(By now, both the captive customers and the employees are exchanging glances. I look at Norma, who stares wide-eyed at the woman.)

Lara: “There’s really no way we could ring you up for anything. We have no power.”

Woman: “Oh, that’s too bad. I thought now would be a good time to get some shopping done! I’ll just go back to my car, then.”

Lara: “Ma’am, there is torrential rain pouring down out there, and the wind is moving the cars.”

Woman: “Well I can’t buy anything, why should I stay?” *leaves*

(Though our policy states that we should try to detain people, we cannot legally do that, so Lara lets her go. I turn to Norma and say…)

Me: “…didn’t I just tell that joke?”

 

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Always Right, Even When At The Wrong Store

, | | Right | April 8, 2008

(I work in a motor factor (in America, an auto parts/accessories shop) which is on the same estate as a car workshop. Outside there is a huge sign for the workshop stating the things that they do e.g. brakes, exhausts, MOT testing etc.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book my car in for a five point service.”

(Now, we do various easy-peasy checks e.g. oil, water, and we fit batteries, bulbs, radios etc, so often customers are often confused as to exactly what we do and do not do.)

Me: “You mean the five point check? Just pull your car into the bay outside and I’ll be out in a minute.”

Customer: “No, NO, I meant the service you have advertised outside! New brakes, oil change!”

Me: “I think you’re confusing us with the garage next door. We’re just a motor factor.”

Customer: “But you’ve got a sign outside!”

Me: “Let’s have a look then…”

(We look and the sign is for the garage next door, not our motor factor. I point out that our building has a completely different name outside it.)

Customer: “That’s false advertising! Why can’t you do it?! I demand that I get a free service for the inconvenience you have caused me!”

Me: “Sorry mate, we’re just a motor factor. I’d happily service my own car, but I’m not a mechanic, I’m a history student. If you’d like the five-point service, try the building with the same name as on the sign.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want YOU–” *stabs me in the chest with his finger* “–to service my car right now!”

Me: “Okay, if you just follow me, and talk to that gentleman there–” *points at garage owner* “–I can service your car straight away.”

Customer: *walks off swearing*

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Thank You, Dr. Frankenstein

| | Right | April 8, 2008

(I was helping a regular customer who had wandered in–as he did daily–from the nursing home across the street.)

Old Man: “You’re working again?”

Me: “Yes, every day.”

Old Man: “You know what? Every time I see you, there’s a big smile on your face.”

Me: “What can I say, I love my job.”

Old Man: “Yes, you have a wonderful smile. You’ll make a good looking corpse.”

Me: “…”

(He got a wide berth after that.)

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Urine Way Over Your Head

| | Right | April 8, 2008

(I was in the ladies room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

Woman, in stall next to mine: “You’re not wearing any pants!”

(I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

Me: “And you know this how?”

Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a *skirt*.”

(The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent. I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

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Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

, | | Right | April 8, 2008

(A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

Woman: “I need some tickets!”

Me: “What show?”

Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

Me: “Which one?”

Woman: “The concert.”

Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

Me: “Who’s playing?”

Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “When?”

Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

Me: “I need something to go on.”

Woman: “It’s a concert!”

Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

(She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

(The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

Me: “…”

Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

(He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)

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