The Magical Mocha Phone

| | Right | October 21, 2008

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer:¬†”My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone? ¬†Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube ***.”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”


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Bagging For Trouble

, | | Right | October 20, 2008

(I was standing in line behind a group of girls who had bought a pack of pencils.)

First girl: “Can we get a bag?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, I’ve already given you one. I’m afraid I can’t give you another.”

Second girl: “Why not? The woman ahead of us got three bags!”

Cashier: “Yes, and all three of them were full. I can’t give you another bag.”

First girl: “That is bull****! You gave her all those bags and can’t fork over one more for me?! ”

Cashier: “I’m sorry… no, I can’t. She needed the bags for the items she purchased. ”

(The third girl grabs a pack of gum and throws it on the counter.)

Third girl: “Fine. If we get this, can we get another bag?”

Cashier: “No, you can fit that in your first bag. There are other customers wait–”

First girl: “F*** you! You’re just doin’ this ‘cuz we’re teenagers! This is age discrimination!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but–”

Second girl: “We want to see your manager!”

Cashier: “I need to help other customers in line. I’m sorry I can’t–”

First girl: “You need to help me, b****! I’m asking you for a bag!”

Cashier: “Store policy is–”

Second girl: “We don’t give a s*** about your store policy! Just give us a d***ed bag!”

(I was in a hurry and by this time I just wanted to get out. Figuring any plastic bag would do, I emptied one that I had already.)

Me, to the girls: “Here, you can have this one. I don’t need it.”

Third girl: “Excuse me? Did I ask YOU for help?”

Me: “No, but if it’s a plastic bag you want, I honestly don’t need it.”

Second girl: “Would you mind your own business?”

Elderly woman behind me: “Jumping Jesus, young lady, it’s a plastic bag! You could find one in a garbage can if you wanted it that badly!”

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Well Played, Indeed, Part 2

| | Right | October 20, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [costume store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, do you guys have costumes?”

Me: *sarcastically* “No, I’m afraid we’re a tax accounting service.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I write off a costume rental on my taxes?”


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So Much For Being Patriotic

| | Right | October 20, 2008

Customer: “I’m looking for a clock radio.”

Me: “Certainly. Our clock radios are over on these shelves here. Is there any particular style or brand you’re looking for?”

Customer: “This one looks alright. It’s made here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I believe that one is manufactured in China.”

Customer: “S***, you’re kidding! Well, what about this one?”

Me: “That’s also a [electronics brand], ma’am; that’s also made in China.”


Me: “Well, this particular model over here is a [another reputable electronics brand], with all of the same functions.”

Customer: “Not from China?”

Me: “No, this one’s made in Japan.”

Customer: “S***, I TOLD YOU I DON’T WANT ANY F****** CHINESE GARBAGE! *points to first radio* “Just give me that one there.”

Me: “Uh… ma’am, that one is made in China, and the last one wasn’t…”

Customer: “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A S***?!”

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All Signs Point To No

, | | Right | October 20, 2008

(A customer pulls up and parks in a handicapped spot in front of the store.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a fresh squeezed orange juice.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, we just cleaned our juicer and the chemical that we use had to dry or else it’s toxic. We won’t be able to squeeze any juice until tomorrow.”

Customer: “What the f***? This is the second time this has happened.”

Me: “Well, we clean it a half hour before we close–”

Customer: “You should put up a sign!”

Me: “Oh, um. Well, I’ll mention that to my manager–”

Customer: “PUT UP A SIGN!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t have the authority to do that, but I’ll–”

Customer: “JUST PUT UP A SIGN!”

Me: “Oh, and you’re parked in a handicapped zone.”

Customer: “THEY SHOULD–”

Me: “Yes, they have a sign up, sir.”

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