False Advertising

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(I’m sure a lot of web designers have had a version of this conversation.)

Client: “Currently we’re a small company…”

Me: “How many people?”

Client: “Four, but we’re in the process of hiring a couple of prospects. So that’s the thing, we want the website to make us look like a much bigger company.”

Me: “Like how much bigger?”

Client: “150, 200 employees.”

Me: “Okay, so…you want to make up some names to go along with those non-existent employees?”

Client: “Sure, whatever works…”

How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3

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Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

Customer: “This always happens here.”

Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

Customer: “You’d better be!”

Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

Related:
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

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And The Cases Serve Their Purpose

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(Note: this is before Halo 3 has come out. A customer walks into the store and looks at the display cases of Halo 3.)

Customer: “HALO 3 IS OUT! HOW DID I MISS IT?! Do u have any copies left?”

Me: “No. The game does not come out for another month.”

Customer: “Then why do you have the cases out on the floor already?! Its ridiculous! It serves no purpose but to taunt the customer. I hate when stores do this!”

(Customer turns and complains to his friend for five minutes, then turns back to me.)

Customer: “Is there any way that I can reserve Halo 3?”

Me: “Yes, you can for $5.”

(Customer buys the reserve.)

Me, as he is leaving: “And the cases serve their purpose.”

Those Oh-So Subtle Distinctions

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Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

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Sue Happy

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Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to complain. Your store has false advertising. You say you have the cheapest VHS prices in town, and I just came from a store who is selling them cheaper.”

Me: “Really? Well let me call, and you can call back in 5 minutes, okay?”

(I call the store & soon she calls back.)

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “You are correct, We sell for $5.00 and they’re selling for $4.81.”

Customer: “Like I said, false advertisement. I could sue.”

Me: “It’s a $0.19 difference.”

Customer: “With 4 of those, that would be a dollar!”

Me: “Correction, that would be $0.76. Would you like to sue me for that complete bill or should be round it up to a whole dollar?”

Customer: “I will never shop with you again!”

Me: “There will never be a need.”

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