Ticketing System, Not Ticket In System

| Thousand Oaks, CA, USA | Right | May 17, 2011

(Our theater has two methods of buying tickets. The box office outside, and the indoor computerized ticket kiosks, which accept only credit cards.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me what that machine does?”

Me: “That’s an automated ticket kiosk. You can avoid lines at the box office by either purchasing tickets from it directly, or picking up will-call tickets.”

Customer: “Well, when is it going to give my ticket back?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I saw the machine, and didn’t know what it did. I put my ticket in here.”

(He points to the credit card slot.)

Customer: “Now, I can’t get it out.”

(I am silent as I try to work out how to respond.)

Customer: “So, can I go see my movie now?”

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry to inform you that you no longer have a ticket.”

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A Yearning For Ears That Are Burning

| Burlington, WA, USA | Right | May 17, 2011

(A recent article regarding our business and the habits of its customers was published in the papers. My fellow employees are discussing some of points that were brought up in passing. They leave the area. A customer comes storming up to me.)

Customer: “Those workers were saying some very offensive things! I want to report them. Who do I talk to?”

Me: “Well, if you just–”

Customer: “They say I just come here to get free stuff! I don’t do that! I ‘actually’ buy stuff here! I want to report them!”

Me: “Well, if you’d like to report them, then you’ll need to go up front and speak with a manager. I’d like to point out though, that they were only talking about an article that was published.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, the news just released an article that talked about our store and some of the stuff people do. That’s what you heard them talking about.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought they were talking about me!”

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Her Thoughts Are In Utero

| NY, USA | Right | May 17, 2011

Customer: “Do you have any Japanese music?”

Me: “Yes, we have quite a large selection.”

Customer: “That’s great. My daughter wanted something by, um, ah…”

(I patiently wait.)

Customer: “Oh, I can’t remember the name.”

Me: “Don’t worry. Take your time. Maybe you could ask your daughter again?”

Customer: “No, I got it. Something like… uterus?”

Me: *pause* “Uterus?”

Customer: “Hang on. I think I’ll call my daughter.”

(The customer walks away, pulling out a cell. She comes back a minute later.)

Customer: “Okay, I got it now. It’s Utada. Hikaru Utada.”

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True Exits Are On The Way Out

| PEI, Canada | Right | May 17, 2011

(We are a very small store, and only have one entrance/exit door. A visitor from a larger city, is standing in the middle of the store, looking lost.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yes. Where is your exit?”

Me: “Our exit?”

Customer: “Yes, I came in that door, but I can’t find your exit.”

Me: “We only have one door.”

Customer: “One door? How strange!”

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His Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

| Wall, NJ, USA | Right | May 16, 2011

(Our store music system is playing Coldplay’s ‘Viva la Vida’. A customer comes up to me, and start making small talk.)

Customer: “I love this song!”

Me: “Yeah, I like it too. Although, there is a Swedish singer who does a cover of this. I happen to like that one better.”

Customer: “You listen to Swedish music?”

Me: “Well, not really. I just heard that there was a cover of it. I looked it up and–”

Customer: “This is America, sweetie! You should only listen to American music!”

Me: “Sir, you do know that Coldplay, the band who sings this song, is from England?”

Customer: “No, they’re not! They play this song on the radio! American radio!”

Me: “I assure you, sir. They are from England.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t like this song anymore! Unlike you, I only listen to American music–like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles!”

 

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