Personally, I Like Scarlet Flaming Capsicum Powder

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(I work at a music store attempting to help customers find music they want and restocking the shelves. It’s almost time for my shift to end, at about 8PM at night when Old Rowdy Guy comes in. He walks straight to me.)

Old Rowdy Guy: “Yes, do you have them whatchamacallit…Crimson Hot Chili Spices?”

Me: “Yes sir, do you mean the Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

ORG: “No, no, it’s another band. It’s got a song that goes doo dooo dah dee dooo.”

Me: “I don’t recognize the song sir.”

ORG: “What? It’s on the radio all the time!”

(He continues the song for a couple more seconds and a bell rings inside my head.)

Me: “Oh, you must mean Ill Crimson?”

ORG: “NO!”

(Old Rowdy Guy starts storming around looking around the aisles of CD’s. He starts getting angry and frustrated and yells, “I’ve been everywhere!”)

Me: “Calm down sir, do you know any of the lyrics?”

ORG: “No! I want to speak with your manager!”

(I call the manager over, he’s heard our “conversation.”)

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

ORG: “He won’t help me find this band!”

Manager: “Do you know any of the lyrics of a song or the band’s name?”

ORG: “Crimson Hot Chili Spices.”

Manager: “Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

ORG: “YES THAT’S THE ONE! How does this employee not know them?”

Manager: “He did mention the band, sir.”

ORG: “No he didn’t! Managers don’t argue with customers!” *customer storms out*

(We laughed about him for awhile before closing up.)

Sorry, The Teleporter’s On The Fritz Again

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(A customer phones in to make a payment on their financing account.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a payment on my account.”

(I get the customer’s information and tell them how much their due payment is…)

Me: “And did you want to pay with Visa or Mastercard?”

Customer: “Cash.”

Me: “You have to come into the store to pay cash, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, I do?”

Me: “…”

I Could Not, Would Not, On A Boat, But Maybe A Goat

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Me: “Hello, *** Travel. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Caller: “Do you offer cruise packages?”

Me: “Yes sir, we do.”

Caller: “Would that be on a ship?”

Me: “…”

Yeah, If You’re In The Roman Empire

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(Girl walks up to the desk looking around, confused. It is Ash Wednesday, and I work at a Catholic university.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Girl: “Yes, can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure.”

Girl: “Why does everyone have crosses on their foreheads?”

Me: “…it’s Ash Wednesday.”

Girl: “Oh. I thought they were part of a cult or something.”

How About Smacking You Upside The Head

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(Customer comes in after filling his car.)

Me: “G’day sir, pump number 4?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’ll be $47.90.”

Customer: “I spilled a bit of gas out there.”

(There is an auto-shut off feature which the customer apparently ignored and kept pumping.)

Me: “Oh, don’t worry about that sir.”

Customer: “What are you going to do about it?”

Me: “I’ll just spread some cat litter on it and soak it right up.”

Customer: “No, I mean, what are you going to do for me? Gas is expensive and I can’t afford to be pouring it all over the ground!”

Me: “…then may I suggest not overfilling your gas tank?”

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