That’s Nothing A Little Duct Tape Can’t Fix

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Customer: “I want a computer where I can type in Russian and it will print in English.”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we don’t have Russian keyboards.”

Customer: “No, that’s fine. I’ll just tape Russian letters on.”

Me: “Sir, it will still be an English keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay, so what if I glue the letters on?”

Me: *thunk thunk thunk* “Still English.”

Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

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Little boy: “What are those?”

Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.”

(Note: Cavies are another name for guinea pigs.)

Little boy’s father: “No they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”

Actually, You Look More Like A C-Cup

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Customer Looking at Batteries: “My friend asked me to pick her up some D batteries, but I’m not sure which ones to get.”

(Customer holds up a package with 10 D batteries in it and a package with 12 D batteries in it)

Customer: “What’s the difference between 10D and 12D? I don’t want to get the wrong ones.”

Yet Bats Drink Blood And Dogs Eat Poop

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Me: “Would you like half and half?”

Hippy Woman: “Oh no! Soy please. Humans aren’t supposed to drink milk you know. Haven’t you noticed we’re the only species that drinks the milk of another species?”

How Do These People Remember How To Breathe?

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(Older lady comes in, doesn’t know me, yet decides to make me intimately knowledgeable about her husband’s surgery; she eventually runs out of steam when I don’t respond and looks around at the books on the shelves)

Lady: “I like books.”

Me: “Good! Anything you’re looking for?”

Lady: *ignores my question* “I saw on TV that books are good to have because they make your house look nice.”

Me: *barely stifling a smile* “Really? I heard they’re also good to read.”

Lady: (Evidently, my comment goes right over her) “And you can use them to prop up the bed.”

(Her husband buys books, and then swiftly escorts her out)

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