Get Me To The Card On Time

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(Our store has a store credit card customers can use to buy items and to save money. For whatever reason, the bank that controls it is bought out and they have to send customers all new cards, and the bank statements that we used to be able to scan to let customers make payments on their accounts don’t work anymore, so they have to have their new cards on them in order to pay.)

Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I want to pay my credit card bill.” *he hands me his statement and a check*

Me: “Okay, do you have your new card on you?”

Customer: “No, why?”

Me: “Okay… I’m going to have to have your new card in order to make the payment.”

Customer: “Why?! I have the statement right here!”

Me: “Yes, but the statement doesn’t work anymore. The account numbers are different so we need your new card in order to make a payment. I can try scanning it but it won’t let me.” *I scan it and my computer beeps at me with a warning saying that it cannot process it at this time* “I’m sorry, sir. I’m going to have to have your new card.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it!”

Me: “Did you receive it in the mail?”

Customer: “Yes! I just don’t have it on me!”

Me: “Okay… there’s just nothing I can do store-level unless you have your card. I can give you a number to call or you can pay online.”

Customer: “Great! It’s due today! Now I’m going to have to f****** pay the 35 dollar overcharge fee because you won’t f****** take my bill!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, sir… there’s absolutely nothing I can do unless you have your card.”

Customer: “Just f****** great!”

(He stormed off and I saw him standing there yelling at his friend because I won’t accept his payment. He stood there for the next hour or so instead of going home to get his card to make his payment on time.)

Libraries: The New Google!

| Norman, OK, USA | Bizarre, Non-Dialogue

I work in a library.

A guy from Florida called because he found a painting in his mother in law’s garage and wanted to know what kind of turkey was in it.

A Towering Pile Of Stupid Questions

| USA | Tourists/Travel

(I cashier at a museum that is very near our city’s most well-known tourist attraction, a very famous retro-futuristic tower. Despite the fact that it is 600 feet tall, distinctively shaped, internationally recognizable, and not physically connected to the museum in any way, we have conversations like this on a regular basis:)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Museum]. What can I do for you?”

Tourist: “Is this the [Tower]?”

Me: “No, sorry, this is [Museum]. The [Tower] is a little farther down that way.”

*gestures towards unmistakable 600-foot-tall tower*

Tourist: *peers around in confusion without looking upwards* “But where do you buy the tickets for the [Tower]?”

Me: “You can buy those at the [Tower]; they’ve got a ticket booth right at the base.”

Tourist: “Okay. So, can I make a reservation for [Restaurant on top of Tower]?”

Me: *at this point, struggling to keep a straight face* “They can do that over at the [Tower] as well! It’s just down there.” *points AGAIN at the enormous tower visible from my register*

Tourist: “Thank you!” *wanders off in a different direction*

Coworker: “Was that another ‘where’s the [Tower]?’ question?”

Me: “HOW do they not SEE IT?!”

A Gross Grocery Error

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(This woman is a regular problem customer at our store. She comes up to the service desk, at which I have been working for a little over a week.)

Customer: “Yes, my husband was here last week and you overcharged him. I added up what he bought and you charged him too much.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. May I see your receipt so we can take a look and get this figured out?”

Customer: “I don’t have my receipt. I threw it out. But you overcharged him. Here.”

(She proceeds to hand me a handwritten list with about eight things written on it, none of them over a dollar. She then starts lifting empty packages with mark-down stickers on them from her cart, as if that’s proof.)

Me: “Um… so you don’t have your receipt?”

Customer: “No, I threw it out. But you overcharged him.”

Me: “Well, we’ll have to look it up then. Do you have your customer card?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(She hands me her card and I write down the number on the back of it so we can look it up.)

Me: “And what day was your husband in here?”

Customer: “Uh… I don’t know. Thursday? Yes, Thursday.”

Me: “All right, give me a moment. I’m new up here so I’m going to need to get someone to help me look up your receipt.”

Customer: “Fine. But I need the money to buy groceries.”

Me: “Um… Okay, ma’am. Just give me a few minutes.”

(We look up the receipt from the day and two come up, both well over the amount she is telling me. So we print off the receipt and I go back out front to talk to her.)

Me: “We found the receipt and it looks like there are several others items on it.”

Customer: “No, he just bought these things. They must have made mistake. It doesn’t add up. You overcharged me.”

Me: “Well, I can’t give you any money back because the receipt says this is what he bought. If you want I can have someone check the cameras to make sure.”

Customer: “Okay. I’m going to go shopping and I’ll be back for my money. I need it for the groceries.”

(I call up the co-manager on duty and he goes back to check the cameras. The lady comes back about forty-five minutes later and the co-manager comes up to talk to her.)

Co-Manager: “We checked the cameras and your husband bought everything on the receipt.”

Customer: “No, they made a mistake. Overcharged me. I want my money back. I need it for groceries.”

Co-Manager: “Yeah, no one made a mistake. You weren’t overcharged. He bought everything.”

Customer: “No, it is a mistake. I need the money for my groceries.”

Co-Manager: “I’m sorry to hear that. Have a nice day.”

Just Took A Ride On A 12-Inch

| Crawley, England, UK | Bizarre, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(Back in the 1970s I worked behind the counter in a record store. The band Hawkwind has just released a special 12-inch single edition of their hit “Silver Machine.” A young lad comes in:)

Lad: *in an apologetic voice* “Um, I don’t mean to be personal, but, er, have you got, er, a twelve inch silver machine?”

Me: *laughter*

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