Your Complaint Cuts No Ice

, , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I am standing at a register. I have seen a woman wandering the aisles aimlessly and occasionally glancing in my direction.)

Me: “Do you need any help?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you. Do you have any bags of ice?”

Me: “Yes. If you head towards menswear straight down there, it’s the aisle just before.”

(She stares at me.)

Me: “Was there anything else?”

Customer: “Do I look like a man to you?”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “Then why would you tell me to go to your men’s section?”

Me: “Because the ice is in the aisle next to it. You did want ice?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. But I didn’t expect to be accused of being a man at the same time!”

(She threw her basket at me which, despite my attempts to avoid it, hit me on the head. She ran from the building. Unfortunately, she left her handbag in the basket, and police were called regarding the incident. The woman was forced to apologise or risk being arrested, and the store manager banned her.)

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Not A Member And Maybe That’s A Good Thing

, , , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I work in retail at the back office so my job involves me having to attend phone calls from customers or suppliers every now and then. This is a story about one memorable customer.)

Me: “Hello, good afternoon. This is [Company]; how can I assist you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I would like to complain about not receiving your newsletter again.”

(In my company, we have two types of membership. Customers get to choose between membership A, where we send them physical copies of our newsletter, or membership B where the customers get to view the newsletter online — usually, faster than membership A. It’s normal for people from membership A to complain about not receiving their copies on time.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, ma’am. May I please have your membership number so I can look up your information?” *this is our standard procedure to check*

Customer: *ignores me but continues talking in a stern voice* “Do you know there was a [Brand] shoe sale last week? If your newsletter had arrived earlier then I would have known about it and taken advantage of the sale.” 

Me: “I’m so sorry you have missed the sale, ma’am, but if you could—”

Customer: “Do you know I have a back pain and must only wear [Brand] shoes? My entire family came down from [Rich Country] and if we would have known, we would have taken advantage of the sale and bought many pairs.”

Me: “Ma’am, again, I am very sorry you have missed the sale; perhaps you would like to visit us again soon? We are having the same sale next month.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Why can’t your company deliver the newsletter on time? I could have taken advantage of the sale; this is very unprofessional.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really sorry. Do allow me to check your details. Perhaps I can help to check again if the delivery details are correct? Just in case? So you won’t miss another sale.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have a membership number. My daughter’s a member, not me.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Anyway, you guys are really unprofessional because I missed the sale for [Brand] shoe and now my back will hurt. You know what? I will submit a complaint to the Consumer Bureau so they know you guys are cheating.”

Me: *fed up* “Ma’am, if that’s the best choice you think you should proceed with, by all means.”

Customer: “You, how dare you?! I missed the sale because of your company’s late delivery, and you are doing nothing to compensate me? I need [Brand] shoes for my bad back. I’m a [title equivalent to Lady] and I know people from the Consumer Bureau! What’s your name?”

Me: “Ma’am, my name is [My Name] and if you wish to complain, by all means, please do so. I will notify my management that they have an unsatisfied customer complaint from the Consumer Bureau.”

Customer: “You just wait for someone to catch you guys. You guys are cheating!” *hangs up* 

(Ma’am, if you are a “Lady” of some honorable title, I would assume you have more class and dignity than to yell at some company staff for missing out on a sale and for slamming down a phone. And no, no one from the Consumer Bureau caught me or any of my colleagues.)

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What Would They Want With A Real One?!

, , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I work in a VERY touristy area of Wales. We speak fluent Welsh, English, and “Tourist.”)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “You’re going to think I’m crazy, but do you sell sheep droppings? I’ve seen them in shops around here before!”

Me: “Um… ma’am, actual ones or chocolate ones?”

Customer: “Oh! I hadn’t thought! I just saw boxes of sheep droppings the last time I was up this way. I have friends coming from New Zealand and I need to prove the Welsh are crazier about sheep than their lot are!”

Me: “Um. I’m gonna go safe and say you’re definitely thinking of the chocolate ones.”

(I gave her the directions to a major “tourist tat” retail outlet in the next town along.)

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All Jobs In Moderation

, , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I am one of a small number of people who moderate the text-only chatroom part of a video livestream. The chatroom has a small community of regular viewers and a set of fairly well-defined rules, including “no typing in all-capitals,” which we enforce as fairly but firmly as we can. The regulars are used to the rules and respect that they create a pleasant chat experience for all, but we still get newbies trying to argue that we are “too strict” and “unfair.” This is by far the best silly argument we’ve gotten.)

New Viewer: “Hey! You moderators should calm down. Look around; you’re the only ones who really care about the capitals! Just chill out, sit back, and watch the stream!”

Me: “Did you really just tell us to stop doing our jobs?”

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This Is A Local Shop For Local People

, , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I volunteer for a local charity who just took over a shop from another local charity who went bust six months ago. My wife is the manager. The name of the charity has the county in it.)

Customer: “Is [Employee] here?”

Me: “No, sorry, we’re a new shop now and there are only the three of us at the moment.”

Customer: “So, what charity is running it now?”

Me: “[Charity].”

Customer: “And what do they do?”

Me: “Support homeless people in the area.”

Customer: “Well, they’re not local, are they! They all come here!”

(She stormed out, I stood there dumbfounded and then managed to get out, “That was a bit harsh,” while my wife laughed.)

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