I Say Toh-May-Toh, You Say Burger

| Williamsburg, VA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

(I am ordering fast-food with my friend. He does not like tomato or pickles, and I do not like onions or pickles.)

Friend: “I’ll have a burger with no tomato and no pickles.”

(The employee takes rest of his order, and then it’s my turn.)

Me: “I’ll have a tomato; no pickle, no onions.”

Employee: “What?”

Me: “I’ll have a tomato; no pickle, no onions.”

Employee: “What?”

(I get agitated, wondering what’s so difficult.)

Me: “I want a tomato; no pickle, no onions!”

Friend: “Dude, what are you saying?”

Me: “I said I want a tomato with no pickle and no onions—”

(I finally realize what I’ve been saying.)

Me: “Wait… wow… sorry! I’ll have a burger, with no pickle and no onions.”

(We all burst out laughing at my silliness.)

A Wee Bit Foreign

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am Scottish. After serving a Vietnamese family, another customer approaches and leans over the counter to whisper.)

Customer: “It’s like trying to play a game of ‘Spot the Australian’ in here at the moment. There are so many foreigners around; know what I mean?”

(Not missing a beat, I lean back over towards the customer and speak in my strongest Scottish accent.)

Me: “Oh, I know ma’am! The bloody foreigners are everywhere! Jeez, sometimes you can never tell when you’re going to bump into one, hey?”

Customer: “Oh… oh my… I am so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

(The customer is very quiet for the remainder of the transaction, before apologising once more and leaving the store in a hurry.)

Coworker: “You’re a very bad man sometimes dude. I love it.”

They Are In The Lower Percentile

| CT, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

(I’m a sales associate at a popular clothing store. I’m in the middle of an eight-hour shift on Black Friday, when a customer calls on the phone. The customer speaks in a very confused tone the entire time.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [store]! This is [name] speaking; what’s on your wish list?”

Customer: “Hi. So you guys are having a sale, right?”

Me: “Yep! Everything is 40% off today!”

Customer: “Okay. So is that 40% off our entire purchase, or 40% off each individual item or our purchase?”

(Thinking I must have heard her incorrectly, I just repeat myself)

Me: “Right, everything in the store is 40% off today.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, whoever rang me up today clearly did it wrong. They rang my entire purchase as 40% off, instead of each item separately as 40% off.”

Me: “Well, that adds up to the same thing.”

Customer: “Wait, really?”

Me: “Yes. 40% off the entire purchase is the same thing as 40% each thing in the purchase.”

Customer: “Oh… thanks.”

(The customer hangs up. My coworker is staring at me.)

Coworker: “Please tell me that did not just happen.”