Welcome To HAL Industries

| Kennewick, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [my company]. May I have the e-mail address on your account, please?”

(Note that the caller sounds to be about 13 years old.)

Caller: “Are you a computer or a real person?”

Me: “I’m a real person. I live in [my hometown]. I love sushi, and I like to knit. How can I help you tonight?”

Caller: “Are you sure you’re not a really good computer?”

(Copyright) Piracy On The Seventy Seas

| USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like three copies of this photo, please.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but this we can’t copy this. It’s a professionally taken photo.”

Customer: “What?! It was taken on a cruise ship 3 years ago!”

Me: “I apologize, sir, but we’re not allowed to copy professional photos without the photographer’s consent.”

Customer: “It was taken on a cruise ship 5 years ago! What does the law have to do with anything!”

Me: “Sir, the government could fine us fifteen-thousand dollars for going against the copyright on those photos. The law gives the photographer legal ownership of those photos for seventy years.”

Customer: “Well, it’s been seven!”

Me: “I said seventy.”

Customer: “Well, seventy then!”

And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

Customer: “My data is gone.”

Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

(I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

Me: “11,383?!”

Customer: “Is that bad?”

The Cup Is Definitely Half Empty

| North Syracuse, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(A woman and her twelve year-old son are buying hockey equipment.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll also need a cup & supporter for him.”

Customer: “How do I know what size he needs?”

Me: “The supporter is based on his waist size. Do you know his waist size?”

Customer: “Yes, but how do I know what size the cup should be for him?”

Me: “Well, you’d know better than me! I’d recommend the teen size.”

Customer: “No. If he’s anything like his father, he’ll need an extra-small.”

Male To Female Adapter

| Dublin, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Um…. I need some… *whispers* tampons?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Some tampons please.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong store.”

Customer: “No, I don’t. My husband told me to come here and get them!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We don’t sell those here.”

Customer: “But you have to. He said he got some here last week.”

(I realize she probably means tapcons, which are masonry screws.)

Me: “Do you mean tapcons?”

Customer: “Yeah, that could be it. I don’t know why he told me to get tampons. That doesn’t make any sense.”