I work in a tourist-heavy coastal restaurant. We always have WHOLE Maine lobster on the menu. A guest asks about it.

Me: “Yes, it’s about a pound and a half whole lobster, cracked, with a choice of two sides.”

She orders it.

Once I can see that the food runners have delivered the lobster and other dishes, I head over to make sure the guests have everything they need. The woman has cut into the BODY OF THE LOBSTER!?! She is upset and horrified.

Customer: “Why is this full of guts? This is so gross!”

I’m in shock. I really can’t get my brain around it.

Me: “Let me get my manager.”

My manager doesn’t have time to speak to the lady, but okays replacing the lobster. I go to the table and discuss what I can get her instead. I make it clear we can’t break down a whole lobster for her, but that we have chopped lobster meat that can be presented in many ways.

She just asks for fried shrimp instead. I offer to leave her the lobster claws for free (not like we can do anything with them).

They left a crappy tip, but what bothers me is that she took no responsibility for her bad experience. If she was confused and didn’t know how to eat the lobster, why didn’t she ask?

A customer came into my restaurant.

Customer: “I’m looking for my friends. They’re already sitting down.”

The restaurant is small, and you can see every seat from the front door. I hand her a menu and say:

Me: “Go ahead and take a look for them; they’ve gotta be here somewhere.”

She looks at me, then down at the menu she holds in her hands with what can only be described as a look of both fear and confusion.

Me: “Is anything the matter?”

Customer: “How do you have a map of where everyone is sitting?!”

Me: “That’s a menu, ma’am.”

She opens the folded menu and sighs in relief.

Customer: “Oh! I thought you printed seat maps every time someone new came through the doors!”

Customer: “Can I keep these indoor plants outside?”

Me: “Well, they are tropical plants and we live in Canada, so they would be fine for the summer, but you would need to bring them inside during fall and winter.”

Customer: “Okay, but what will happen if I just leave them outside for winter?”

Me: “…They will die.”

Customer: “Okay, but what can I do to keep them alive?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m gluten-free.”

Me: “Well, we have some bottles of gluten-free beer available.”

Customer: “But none on happy hour?”

Me: “Sorry, we only have those for beers on tap.”

Customer: “I’ll take a Blue Moon.”

Me: “That’s not gluten-free.”

Customer: “Yeah, but right now I value my wallet more than my bowels…”

My friend has a habit of announcing his ‘shower thoughts’ out loud at random moments:

Friend: “When you think about it, banana is a really stupid name.”

Me: “Huh?”

Friend: “Ba-na-na. It sounds like a baby trying to learn to speak.”

Me: “I never really thought about it.”

Friend: *Almost angry.* “Banana is the stupidest name for a fruit!”

Me: “Then you’re gonna be really angry when I tell you about Kumquats…”