Pot Calling (and Calling, and Calling) The Kettle Black

| Hollywood, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: this phone call took place back when dial-up internet was more popular.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Customer: “This stupid modem doesn’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work! It’s stupid!”

Me: “Well, to fix it I need to know how it isn’t working. Is it turned on now?”

Customer: “How should I know if the stupid thing is on or not?”

Me: “Well, there’s an on/off switch on top, and a power light. Is the switch on and the light green?”

Customer: “Look, I don’t have time for all these stupid questions. I can just show you what it’s doing.”

Me: “You can show me how the modem isn’t working?”

Customer: “Yeah… listen!”

(Suddenly, there is the loud scream of a modem in my ear. After a moment the call disconnects. The customer calls back a minute later.)

Customer: “There! See what the stupid thing did?”

Me: “Yes, sir, you told the modem to dial while we were already talking on the line. It screamed in my ear and disconnected.”

Customer: “You see! This stupid thing does this every time I try to use it while I’m on the phone!”

Me: “Sir, you can’t use modem on the same line where you are already making a phone call.”

Customer: “What? I can’t have my phone line tied up every time I want to send a file! That’s stupid! This thing is a piece of sh*t!”

Me: “Sir, are you able to make a new telephone call when you are already talking on that line without hanging up on the first person or putting them on hold?”

Customer: “Of course not! Why would you even ask something stupid like that?”

Me: “Well, your modem can’t do so either.”

Customer: “That’s stupid!” *hangs up*

Unable To See The Global Picture

| Europe | Uncategorized

Customer: “Someone stole my satellite navigation. The police told me you can block it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you were misinformed. Your satellite navigation can only receive a GPS signal. It does not transmit anything, so we are unable to find it, or disable it.”

Customer: “But they told me you can block the signal.”

Me: “Unfortunately, only the U.S. military can block GPS signals.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you call them?”

Me: “I am afraid not. They will only disable GPS use in times of war.”

Customer: “But, can’t you tell them my satellite navigation was stolen?”

Me: “If they disable GPS use, it is disabled for everyone, except the military.”

Customer: “So?”

The Tenth Circle Is Stupidity

| Duluth, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer looks at our new game Dante’s Inferno.)

Customer: “Is this, like about Dante from Devil May Cry?”

Me: “No, it’s based off the poems.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s was originally a series of poems. The Divine Comedy.”

Customer: “So, it’s a book?”

Me: “No, it’s a game based off the poems from the Divine Comedy.”

Customer: “What? So it’s a game then? What the heck is a poem?”

Lack Of Grey Matter, Part 2

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “My computer monitor is broken.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What are the symptoms? Does it just not turn on?”

Customer: “The text is really hard to read.”

Me: “Just the text?”

Customer: “Yeah, everything else is fine. I think the backlight thing is dying.”

(I remote connect to the users machine.)

Me: “Is this what you’re talking about?” *uses the pointer on the screen*

Customer: “Yeah, the text right there in my email. It’s faded out. See that?”

Me: “Sir, your text color is set to grey.”

Customer: “I didn’t know the monitor could do that!”

Related:
Lack Of Grey Matter

They Really Should Call Them Help(less) Lines

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone service provider]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My cable TV isn’t working.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we’re a cell phone company.”

Customer: “I know, but I thought that you people would be able to help me with that any way.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can only assist you with your cell phone service.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, but we’re only trained to deal with phones. We don’t know anything at all about cable TV.”

Customer: “Oh, then who should I call?”

Me: “Do you have your cable bill with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Is there a 1-800 number on it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You need to call that number.”

Customer: “Oh. Thank you!”