Jerk Button

| Right | May 22, 2013

jerk button copyVia.

There’s Nothing To Fear But Beer By Itself

| Manteo, NC, USA | Right | May 21, 2013

(During the night shift at the 24-hour gas station, it’s against policy to have the store open from midnight to five if you’re working alone. My coworker hasn’t shown up, so I am doing some cleaning while the store is temporarily closed and locked. A customer bangs angrily on the door. After several mimes of miming ‘Sorry!’ and pointing to the ‘Closed’ sign, I open the door a crack, figuring she might be in trouble or have run out of gas.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Open the door!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. I’m not allowed to be open from midnight to five.”

Customer: “You’re CLOSED?!”

Me: “Yes! Well… is it an emergency?”

Customer: “It is an emergency! I need beer!”

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How To Keep Your Days From Drag(ging)-On

| FL, USA | Right | May 21, 2013

(I’m working at my teller window when a client with a bandaged hand comes up with a deposit.)

Me: “Hello! Welcome to [bank]. I see that you hurt your hand; were you fighting with a dragon?”

Client: “Yes, and it won.”

Me: “Was it a big dragon?”

Client: “No, it was a little one. But he didn’t play fair. He used fire!”

Me: “Oh, no! Well, better luck to you next time. Here’s your receipt. Have a wonderful day!”

Client: “You too! Thanks!” *walks out the door*

(My boss, who has been standing behind me the whole time, finally speaks up.)

Boss: “That was not normal…”

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You Have To Laugh About The New Scarf

| Kildare, Ireland | Right | May 21, 2013

(A customer has seen a scarf that she likes, and wants to buy two identical pairs. Unfortunately there are only two of the same style in stock.)

Customer: “But I don’t like this one…”

Me: “Um… they’re identical.”

Customer: “No they’re not! I want two like this one!”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, they are the exact same pattern and the exact same colour. There is absolutely no difference. Look, I’ll compare them… see?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? DO YOU? This one is a darker shade. I want the lighter shade. I AM NOT AN IDIOT!”

Me: “I’m sorry; maybe it’s the lighting. I’ll just grab another from the stock room, and I’ll be right back.”

(I hide in the stockroom for a minute with her second scarf, doing nothing. I then come back out with the exact same scarf.)

Me: “I have found one just like the other one.”

Customer: “See? I knew they were different! This third one is perfect!”

(She buys them both.)

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Food For Thoughtless

| Derby, England, UK | Right | May 21, 2013

(The store I work in is now a very popular coffee brand store. We’ve been open for two weeks. The building was previously a food and dining store, but the building had been empty eight months prior to our store opening.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how are you today?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not very d*** good now!”

Me: “Oh, I’m ever so sorry to hear that! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I came here for some breakfast, but you’re not [old store] any more!”

Me: “Well, we do have breakfast options. We can heat them for yo—”

Customer: “NO GOOD! I WANTED HOT FOOD!”

Me: “We can do you hot food; we offer porridge, and of course our lovely hot dr—”

Customer: “IT’S S***! IT’S GARBAGE, THAT’S WHAT IT IS! I WON’T PUT UP WITH IT!”

(While he’s steadily getting angrier, another customer has entered the store behind him.)

Me: “Um, there’s not really much else I can do I’m afraid, sir. Was there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a… NO! I’ll go somewhere else. THIS IS TOTAL S***! What do you have to say for yourself?!”

Me: “Er… I’m sorry but [old store] hasn’t been open on this site for almost a year, so there really is nothing I can do about it. If that is everything, I will just serve the next customer who has been waiting patiently. Thank you, have a good d—”

Customer: “I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU! I WA—”

Next Customer: “Well, she’s finished with YOU! You’re obviously bloody stupid; EVERYONE knows that [old store] hasn’t been here for ages! It’s too d*** early for you to be yelling at this poor girl! Now, sod off and let me get my coffee!”

(The first customer all but runs from the store.)

Me: “Wow, thank you for that! I’m so sorry you had to step in though!”

Next Customer: “No worries, my darling! Hey, I recognise you; didn’t you work at [popular fast food store]?”

Me: “Yup! Five years of putting up with customers like that; I think I may have brought them with me!”

Next Customer: “Oh, dear me. Well, this is for you, darling! Keep that smile going!”

(The woman hands me a £5 note, swiftly followed by several more from the other customers in the store, all of whom come over when they hear where I used to work!)

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