Free Karma With Purchase

| Hamlin, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Top

(I have just clocked out. I am in the employee break room gathering my things to leave, when a customer comes barging in.)

Customer: “Excuse me! There is a line of fifty people out here! We need you to open your register!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m clocked out and don’t have a drawer in. I’m sorry, but she’s doing the best she can right now.”

Customer: “Well that’s just ridiculous! I need to get checked out!”

(The customer leaves the employee break room to go back in line and rant to her companion.)

Customer: “Can you believe it? She’s clocked out! This is ridiculous!”

(Upon seeing that there is in fact a longer line, I grab a drawer and open a register while still clocked out. After I check out five or so people, the woman comes back over, bags in hand.)

Customer: “Well, THANK YOU.”

(Another customer, who had been standing behind her the whole time, approaches me with a smile.)

Another customer: “I’m currently disabled and don’t have my crutches, so standing is excruciating, but I’m going to take my time. I’m blocking that b**** in, and I want to make her wait!”

Justice Is (Self) Served

| Attleboro, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

(This occurred approximately 4-5 years ago, but continues to be a favorite to tell the newbies. There are four concession stand workers and we are all on one side of the stand talking late one night.)

Me: *returning from other side* “Hey guys, did we remove the salted pretzel from the display?”

Coworker #1: “Not that I know of.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s weird. Maybe the manager knows.”

(She finds our manager.)

Coworker #2: “Did you get rid of the pretzel display model?”

Manager: “No.”

Coworker #1: “You don’t think someone stole it do you?”

Coworker #2: “No, that would be stupid!”

(Then, we see a teen wandering the lobby looking a little bewildered, munching on a pretzel.)

Me: “Um…did you get that pretzel from the case there?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “That is a display model only. It has been there for a year and a half. It’s also been treated with shellac.”

(The customer takes a bite.)

Customer: *muffled* “Tastes pretty good to me!”

(The customer wanders off unsteadily and we all stare in utter shock.)

Manager: “Keep an eye on him. He’s probably going to be violently sick.”

An Idiom In Sheep’s Clothing

| Iowa, USA | At The Checkout

(I am a running through a rather elderly lady’s groceries.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. Well…”

Me: “Anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Your shirt is nice; such a lovely material. I will add that to my purchase, please.”

Me: “Oh. Well, actually, I purchased this at [clothing store].”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll take your shirt please.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I am unable to give you my shirt.”

Customer: “No, I’m the customer. You asked if I needed anything. I need your shirt!”

(At this point, she attempts to pull it off of me. Upon seeing a fleet of coworkers heading towards me, she runs out of the store, leaving her groceries behind.)

Manager: “What did she want?!”

Me: “Literally the shirt off my back!”

Wrote Memorization

| California, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to mail my bill. Can you give me your address?”

(I slowly and carefully give the entire address. I add appropriate pauses to make sure the caller has enough time to write down the address.)

Caller: “Okay, once more please.”

Me: “Oh, did I speak too quickly?”

Caller: “No, but I guess I should write it down this time.”

Getting Pork(ed)

| Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

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