The Devil’s Logic

| Pune, India | At The Checkout

(I am a customer checking out at a famous Indian supermarket. To make things faster, I am putting the stuff from my cart onto the conveyor belt. Among my purchases is a pack of condoms.)

Customer behind me: “I can’t believe you are buying condoms! Don’t you know that sex is evil? Only the devil does it!”

(I am kind of taken aback, but I reply with an evil twinkle in my eye.)

Me: “Well, if sex is only for the devil and I don’t use condoms, then you’ll be seeing the devil’s kid next year!”

Customer behind me: *crosses himself and stares at me until I leave the store*

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The Freudian Drive-thru

| Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(This is an ice cream shop with a drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, two burgers with bacon.”

Me: “Sir, we actually don’t have burgers…just ice cream.”

(Upon hearing this, the customer looks up to see the burger chain next door.)

Customer: “How did I end up in this line?!”

Keep That Mustache To Yourself

| Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

A Warm And Full(filling) Night In

| Boston, MA, USA | Health & Body

(A man in his mid-30’s approaches the register. I notice that he looks a little grumpy about something.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Hi.”

(It is at this point that I notice that he only has two items to ring up: a 20oz bottle of soda and an enema.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “I’m holding an enema, what do you think?!”

Me: *speechless*

(I ring him up silently. Poor guy, I hope he feels better!)

Pan-bi-a-trans-homo-heterosexual, Part 2

| Columbia, South Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “How do I get these orchids to bloom again, once the current flowers fall of? ”

Me: “If you have more than one orchid, they will cross-pollinate, or ‘mate’, with each other, and they should bloom again.”

Customer: “Mate? I should record that on my computer and put it on the internet!”

(I laugh, thinking he’s kidding. He’s not. He stares at me blankly for a moment before speaking again.)

Customer: “I’m going to pick out the hottest orchids!”

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Pan-bi-a-trans-homo-heterosexual

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