Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Eggs Are (Not) Yellow

| Far Rockaway, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(Our store makes breakfast sandwiches in the morning. One of them being a simple bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.)

Customer: “Hi, my mom bought a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich just five minutes ago, but she wants a new one because there’s something wrong with the egg.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry about that! What was wrong with it?”

Customer: *holds up the sandwich* “There’s white stuff in it.”

Me: “White stuff? You mean this?” *points at egg whites*

Customer: “Yeah, that’s it.”

Me: “That’s just the white of the eggs. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Customer: “Eggs aren’t white. They’re yellow like the eggs at McDonald’s.”

Me: “McDonald’s eggs are different. We actually take the time to crack open real eggs to make our sandwiches. Sometimes, the white of the egg shows through with the yolk when we scramble them.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! Eggs don’t have white! They’re all yellow!”

Me: Haven’t you ever made scrambled eggs before? Or hardboiled an egg?”

Customer: “Eggs are yellow!”

(I tell the cook, who shakes his head and remakes the sandwich with the egg mixed as uniformly yellow as he could manage.)

Not A Drop To Drink

| England, UK | Food & Drink

(I’m manning the box office. I get a call from a customer who has received a free drink voucher that we send out to new customers as a welcome gift.)

Me: “Good morning, [concert hall]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m offended that you sent me a free drinks voucher in the post.”

Me: “You are? I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. The voucher is also valid for our range of soft drinks available as well as fresh coffee and tea–”

Customer: “I can’t drink anything.”

Me: “Anything at all?”

Customer: *shouting* “Anything!”

Me: “Not even juice, or water?”

Customer: “Anything! A-ny-thing!”

(I decide not to argue with him further and apologize for sending him the voucher.)

Museum Hours Negotiable

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(I work in a museum. I don’t answer phone calls when I am working with visitors, and have missed multiple phone calls from the same number. They never leave a message. All pertinent information such as hours and admission prices are on the phone message. A visitor approaches the desk.)

Me: “Welcome to the museum!”

Visitor: “You never answer the phone.”

Me: “I do if I have the opportunity.”

Visitor: “I’ve called several times in the last week.”

Me: “That was you?”

(I verify their name matches the caller ID.)

Me: “If you’d left a message, I would have gotten back to you.”

Visitor: “I didn’t want to leave a message. I just wanted to see if you were open.”

Me: “The voicemail message should say that our hours are–”

Visitor: “Yes, I know when your hours are!”

Me: “Then why did you keep phoning?”

Visitor: “I wanted to see if you were actually open!”

Here Or There Or Anywhere

| Cornwall, UK | At The Checkout

(We have a big sign on the bakery counter with an arrow saying “Please Pay At The Till”. Despite this, a lot of people think they can pay at the counter.)

Me: “Next, please.”

Customer: “Hey, you haven’t taken my money yet!”

Me: “Oh, sorry. If you’d like to take everything over to the till, you can pay there.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. I’d like to pay here!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t have a till behind here.”

Customer: “Can’t I just give you the money and you can put it through the till later?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I’m not allowed to do that.”

Customer: “Well, fine!”

(I watch as she walks to the left, past cashier and the “Please Pay Here” sign, eventually standing at an empty counter. The cashier continues to serve people lined up at his till. She finally turns to glare at me, whilst I serve other customers at the bakery counter.)

Customer, to cashier: “Well, aren’t you going to come and take my money?”

Cashier: “If you come over to this till, I can do that for you.”

Customer: “Well, finally. At least someone around here knows how to do their job!”

The Customer Is Always Fright(ened)

| Estes Park, CO, USA | Hotels & Lodging

(The Stanley Hotel is a very nice big hotel in town. It is known to be an inspiration to the book/movie “The Shining”. It is also known to be haunted, and even gives ghost tours.)

Customer: “I demand a refund.”

Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, was there a problem with your room?”

Customer: “Yes! The ghosts in your hotel are mean. I demand a refund.”

Assistant manager: “I’m sorry, you have already stayed here and had every service our hotel has to offer. I cannot give you a refund. The hotel is known for being haunted, and I am sure you were aware of this going into your visit.”

Customer: “But the ghosts were mean!”

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