I give a table their bill. One of the customers looks at the bill and then looks at me and says:

Customer: “Can I use a discount?”

Me: “Do you have a coupon or a gift card?”

Customer: *Completely straight-faced without a hint of irony.* “No, no, I meant the employee discount.”

Me: “Do you work for the restaurant at another location?”

I’d never seen him before. He shakes his head and says:

Customer: “No, I mean your discount. Your employee discount.”

Me: “No. You can’t. You have to be an employee to use the employee discount.”

Customer: “Well, sucks for you then, because the discount would have been your tip.”

How some people walk around with such audacity will always shock me…

Related:
Tipped To Be A Bad Day, Part 2
Tipped To Be A Bad Day

Customer: “Can I get a Chumbawumba?”

Me: “Uh… what is that?”

Customer: “The drink! The Chumbawumba!”

Me: “I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “The Chumbawumba! I had it at a bar in Thailand a few years ago!”

Me: “Well, that’s not something we have on our menu, but I can make it for you if you can tell me what’s in it.”

Customer: “Uh… Hmm…”

Me: “What was the alcohol base?”

Customer: “Alcohol… yes.”

He stares at me, as if that was all the information I needed.

Me: “Okay, so we’ve established it had alcohol. Was it vodka? Gin? Rum?”

Customer: “…yes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I think we’re out of stock of the ingredients for that drink. Can I make you something that’s on the menu instead?”

They ordered a JD and Coke, and remained shocked all night that I didn’t know what a Chumbawumba was…

Related:

Take A Shot In The Dark

I used to work as a delivery guy for a pharmacy. One time, when I was registering the packages for delivery, I overheard a customer having a heated argument with the pharmacist while waving a prescription around:

Customer: “Hey, I’m here for [medication] in cream.”

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry I can’t give you [medication] in cream form because the prescription calls for salve.”

Customer: “Well, I asked my doctor for cream, so I want cream.”

Pharmacist: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you cream. You’ll have to discuss this with your doctor.”

Customer: “I. Don’t. Care! I just want my cream!”

This went on for a while with both voices increasing in volume until the poor pharmacist lost it and said:

Pharmacist: “Listen, if I’m being given a shopping list, and it says corn bread, then you bet your a** that I return with corn bread! Now take the corn bread or get out!”

Customer: *Walking out.* “Corn bread lovin’ a**hole!”

I bartend at a luxury theater.

Customer: “I want my free martini.”

Me: “Uh, we don’t offer free alcohol here.”

Customer: “Well then, what the h*** does this say?”

He shows me his ticket.

Me: “That says matinee. That’s the type of ticket you purchased.”

Customer: “…oh.”

Me: “Do… you still want the martini?”

Customer: “H*** no! Martinis are gross! I only wanted one if it was free!”

I worked in a mortgage servicing office for a summer. I received at least a few calls a week from customers that went like this:

Caller: “Hey, so I’m calling to let you know I won’t be paying my bills for a few months.”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Caller: “I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “That is not a valid reason to pause payment, sir.”

Caller: “Yeah, it is! We’re going to Disney World! Do you know how expensive that s*** is!”