Our manager comes into the office early, so leaves early. He always exits the office with a one-liner:

Manager: “If anyone wants me, I’ll be very surprised.”

Manager: *Pointing to the exit sign.* “Everyone enjoy the exit sign while we have it. They’re on the way out.”

Manager: “See you all tomorrow, and to whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy!”

Manager: “I’m going home to sleep because I was told to pursue my dreams!”

We both love and hate him.

One of the new tech guys comes into the office. He looks twenty at most.

Tech Guy: “Hi, I’m here to see [Coworker].”

Coworker: “That’s me. Why?”

Tech Guy: “You put in a ticket about your work phone autocorrecting words it shouldn’t be?”

Coworker: “I did?”

Tech Guy: “Uh, yeah. I got the ticket right here.”

[Tech Guy] shows the ticket, and [Coworker] laughs.

Coworker: “I forgot about that! I sent that for your boss as a joke last week. How long have you been in the tech department?”

Tech Guy: “This is my first week.”

Coworker: “Sorry, dude, he’s hazing you. He’s my friend, and this is what he does. I’m sorry.”

The poor tech guy leaves the office, looking confused.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], what was the ticket?”

He shows me:

Ticket: “Work phone keeps autocorrecting “surely” to “Shirley” when left in Airplane mode.”

Me: “Yeah, that kid was waaaaay too young to ever get that reference.”

The restaurant is swamped (after church crowd), and we’re down two people, so everyone is doing their best to keep the tables happy. I’m a manager, but I’m working as waitstaff today as well to ensure we keep on top of things.

As I’m cleaning a table to get it ready for the next set of diners, I see one of my best workers talking to a couple as she brings them the check. They pull a card out of their bag that says, “Sorry, you failed.”

Customer #1: “Hi! We’re actually secret shoppers hired by [Company that owns our franchise]. We’re sent to eat here and make sure that [Company] employees are doing a good job. You were friendly and knew the menu well, but you didn’t try to upsell us on any drinks or desserts, and you failed to let us know about the [Company] rewards program that would have given us a 5% discount on our next meal if we signed up today.”

Waitstaff: *Upset.* “Oh… okay.”

Customer #2: *Holding up a “Yay, you passed.” Card.* “If you’d done all those things, then you would have been given this card, which would have won you a free meal at all [Company] restaurants. Better luck next time!”

This is more than I can bear to hear, and I storm right over.

Me: “Hi, I’m the manager here, and I couldn’t help but overhear.”

Customer #1: “Oh, good! We were just about to ask for you. You, see, the—”

Me: “—Just what the f*** do you think you’re doing?!”

Customer #1: “…uh …we—”

Me: “What moron decided that secret shoppers stop my workers to inform them if they passed and failed, like some stupid game show, while they have an active section?”

Customer #2: “Now, just wait a minute—”

Me: “What moron decided that when we’ve got a ninety-minute wait for walk-ups, and we’re two people understaffed, that we should try to get our diners to eat more than they want, wasting their time and ours? And to stop and get them to sign up for a f****** loyalty card and go over a f****** form with them when we can’t even stop to take a breath!”

Customer #1: “We take into account the busy nature of the—”

Me: “—I don’t even care if she passed or failed based on your stupid rules. She’s one of my hardest workers, and that includes knowing when we’re too busy to upsell customers a f****** ice cream sundae when we have tables to turn around. Now get the f*** out and tell your bosses I am f****** livid they ate into our busiest time of the week for this bull s***!”

The secret shoppers looked a combination of confused and angry, but I wasn’t standing down. They threw some cash down and started to slide out of the table.

Me: “A $5 tip on a $110 meal and you have the gall to say my waitstaff failed?!” 

The secret shoppers share a look, throw down another ten, and get out of there as fast as f****** possible. 

The store manager got a call about it, and also told them that if they wanted us to keep doing what we were doing (our location was one of the highest earners in the company) then to remember that secret shoppers are supposed to be ‘secret’ and to stop with the morale-destroying bull s***.

I work at a cocktail bar.

Customer: “Can I get a non-alcoholic Manhattan?”

Me: “Uh, not really, no. That cocktail isn’t really viable as a non-alcoholic version.”

Customer: “I see, it’s my fault as I phrased it like a question. I want a non-alcoholic Manhattan.”

Me: “Doesn’t matter how you phrase it, ma’am, I can’t make you a virgin version of a cocktail that’s essentially all alcohol.”

Customer: “This place is meant to be the best cocktail bar in the city, and with the prices you charge, I expect you to give the customer what they want.”

Me: “I can suggest some non-alcoholic options that might have the same flavor profile, but—”

Customer: “Non… alcoholic… Manhattan.”

So I brought over a martini glass with a cherry in it.

Customer: “Can I have the [red wine]?”

Me: “Sure, I’ll bring it for you.”

I bring out the wine for her.

Customer: “Where is the bucket with ice that always comes with it?”

Me: “You mean the cooler? We only give that with white/rose wines as they have to be kept cold. Red wine has to be room temperature.”

Customer: “Well, they always bring me the cooler with any wine I order.”

Me: “As I said, we don’t serve the cooler together with the red wine, but if you wish to have one with red, there is no issue. Give me a sec, I will bring one to you right now.”

Customer: “You do that every time I come here!”

Me: “Well, they shouldn’t unless you specifically ask them beforehand.”

She continues arguing with me, getting ruder and more aggressive, not allowing me to present any solutions. As I am leaving the table, she shouts at me:

Customer: “You ALWAYS serve the cooler with every wine!”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Customer: “YES YOU DO! I COME HERE ALL THE TIME!”

Me: *Snapping and twisting on my heel towards her:* “AND I WORK HERE ALL THE TIME!”

I got her the d*** cooler for her red wine. The customer is always right in matters of taste, but d*** it, lady, let me help you!