Only Half Sober

| England, UK | Money

(I am working as a cashier at a famous fast food restaurant. We have a special breakfast menu which is served from 5 am to 10:30 am exclusively and the main menu is outside of those times. A VERY drunk woman staggers in at 7 am.)

Drunk Woman: *slurred mumbling* “A burger, please.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid we don’t have any burgers at the moment. We’re only serving breakfast right now.”

Drunk Woman: “Oh. I’ll have some fries then.”

Me: “Sorry, we do not serve fries at breakfast.”

Drunk Woman: “Oh… what can I have that’s like a burger?”

Me: “The closest I can suggest is a sausage muffin without the egg.”

Drunk Woman: “Fine, then, I’ll have two of them. And a bottle of water.”

Me: *thinking: yes, you need that water to sober up!* “Okay, that’s [total], please!”

Drunk Woman: *hands me HALF of a ten-pound note; it looks like it’s been literally ripped in half*

Me: “Um, this is half of a note.”

Drunk Woman: “Does it matter?”

Me: “Um, yes. Yes, it does.”

Drunk Woman: “Oh, okay, then.”

(She took her half of the ten pound note and staggered out, whilst we all watched, confused. Finally my colleague turned to me.

Colleague: “What’s betting that she thought half a tenner is worth a fiver?”


Someone Needs Some Weekend Cheer

| MA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal

(I open my store on Saturdays. On the way there I have to merge onto the highway slowly due to heavy traffic. A middle-aged couple in an SUV in the next lane apparently decide I’m not going fast enough and try to merge ahead of me, but I move up to prevent this. The man leans on his horn and yells obscenities out the window at me; I just wave and continue on my way, not thinking anything of it until I pull into the parking lot at work and the SUV comes speeding in. As I am walking to the door, the man gets out and starts yelling.)


Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

Him: “YOU FLIPPED ME OFF, YOU F****** C***!”

Me: “First of all, no, I didn’t. Second, even if I had there’s no law against that. Third, you tried to cut me off. Now if there’s nothing else, I have a job to get to.”

(At this point, this grown man who is at least old enough to be my father starts pointing and laughing like a little kid.)

Him: “Haha, you have to work today, you f****** loser! If you weren’t so stupid and lazy you’d have a real life!”

(I’ve heard enough. I take out my phone.)

Me: “Sir, did you need to buy something when we open?”

Him: “Hell, no, I—”

Me: *interrupting* “Then at this time I’m going to call the police.”

Him: *screaming again* “WHAT THE F*** FOR, YOU DUMB C***?”

Me: “Well, let’s see: you followed me here; that’s harassment. You threatened me with bodily harm, also a crime. You said you have no intention of buying anything at this store, and we’re not even open yet, so right now you’re trespassing on private property. The station is less than a mile from here so once I make this call officers will be here in about a minute. Maybe you’d like to make fun of them for working on a Saturday, too?”

(Needless to say, he got back in his car and took off, yelling a few more obscenities along the way while his wife flipped me off out the window.)


Banking On Trump

, | FL, USA | Politics

(I work in customer service for credit cards for a major bank. The call volume is unusually slow for the night, probably due to the first Presidential Debate of 2016.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name?”

(I gain access to their account and assist with a payment. At this rate, I’m hoping it is just a quick call, as my shift is about to end in a few minutes.)

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Customer]. That’s all set. Is there anything else I may assist with tonight?”

Customer: “Yeah! Make sure you get out and vote in November. We need to make America great again, and only Trump can do that! He’s our last hope against Hillary.”

Me: *brief pause* “Well, I can understand the concern. All right, then, I want to thank you for being such a loyal card-member. Have a great night!”

(At this point, I am trying to avoid any political talk, and I probably could have phrased it differently or at least acknowledged I would be voting.)

Customer: “You’re voting, right?! You didn’t say if you’d be voting. I hope to god you’re voting for Trump. If [Bank] is supporting Hillary I’m closing all my accounts.”

Me: “To be honest, I was trying to not directly answer the question. It is not quite professional of me to discuss political opinions, seeing as that is not about your account at all.”

Customer: “You’re allowed to have an opinion! You’re a person too, you know. [Bank] should let you be able to speak freely if you want to.”

Me: “Yes… But as you also just stated, if you thought I was going for Hillary, you were going to close all your accounts with [Bank]. I’m not saying if I’m voting for Trump or Hillary, because it has no stance with [Bank] at all. Is there anything else I may assist with tonight?”

Customer: “I guess not.”


Had Good Just Cause

| Canada | Bizarre, Prank

(We have a family friend who is known for prank phone calling us. The phone rings and my dad answers and the voice on the other end sounds just like his friend when he tries to do a fake accent.)

Caller: “Hello, sir, I’m calling on behalf of the missing children’s foundation. We are looking for donations to—”

Dad: *cutting him off and deciding to play along* “Oh, I’m so sorry, I can’t donate to that. You see, I already donate generously to the missing turtles foundation.”

Caller: “Uh, the what, sir?”

Dad: “The missing turtles foundation. It’s a very worthy cause helping lost turtles.”

Caller: I see, well, sir, I am sure it’s a very worthy cause but let me tell you a little bit about the missing children’s foundation.”

(The caller goes into a big spiel about the foundation and talks for a good 10 minutes. My Dad is impressed with his friend’s commitment to this one. After a good ten minutes have passed….)

Dad: “I’m sorry, could you start again. I wasn’t listening!”

(The caller keeps his calm and politely begins his spiel again. Finally my dad interrupts again.)

Dad: “All right, all right, I will donate to your cause! It’s not turtles but it sounds good!”

Caller: “Thank you, sir! Let me transfer you to my supervisor and she can collect the donation!”

(At this point my dad gets confused, thinking his friend may pass the phone to his wife. However his wife has never been involved in any of the prank calls before.)

Supervisor: *who sounds nothing like our friend’s wife* “Thank you for choosing to donate, sir! We can get started on the process.”

Dad: “Uh, I thought this was a prank call!”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, sir? You thought this was a prank?”

(Needless to say my dad was pretty embarrassed and gave them a good donation for all the trouble! Our prankster family friend thought it was hilarious when we shared the story with him!)


This Is A Shopping Emergency!

| MI, USA | Crazy Requests

(I have just made a call to emergency services for a resident who is in a dire state. They respond in record time as I’ve called in ‘stat,’ meaning the person isn’t breathing or their heart isn’t functioning. The fire truck arrives first and parks in the middle of our parking lot, first responders leaping out and coming inside. I direct them where to go. A minute later, a woman leaves out the door after visiting her mother and then comes directly back in.)

Me: “Hello again, is something wrong?”

Woman: *angrily* “Yes, I can’t move my car! That truck is in the way!”

Me: “I’m sorry… the fire truck?”

Woman: “Yes, the fire truck! I have to get going! Can you have someone move it?!”

Me: “Umm, no? They’re upstairs dealing with a medical emergency. I can have someone come out and try to direct you out of the space.”

Woman: “Fine, just hurry up!”

(I get another staff member to go outside and try to direct her out, all the while fielding calls from the bosses about the emergency. The woman and my coworker come back in.)

Coworker: “There’s not enough room. You’ll have to wait, I’m sorry.”

Woman: “But I have to get going! I HAVE TO GO SHOPPING!”

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