A Faire Amount Of Context Missing

| Allentown, PA, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

(I’m back at work after a day off to attend the regional Renaissance faire, of which I’m a passionate devotee. I’m showing the pictures on my phone to a coworker, and offering as little context as possible for what I’m saying just to be funny.)

Me: “…and here’s Snorkel the dancing stunt pig, with his human daddy.”

Customer: *passing by and doubling back* “Wow, that is the greatest sentence I’ve ever accidentally overheard in my entire life.”

Their Assumption Has Expired

| ME, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry

(I am the only cashier in front. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I think one of the other customers is stealing.”

Me: “Can you describe the person?”

Customer: *immediately shouts* “Obviously it’s the only black guy in the store. You can’t miss him!”

(She goes on to say that he is putting things in his cart and going out back, then all the stuff from the cart is miraculously gone. He works here, getting rid of expired merchandise. The customer screams at my manager when she won’t fire him for stealing from the company.)

The Client Condemned Himself

| TX, USA | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior

(My boss and I are having a discussion about an old house that is across the street from where he lives, and how he wishes he could buy it since it was once a beautiful two-storied Victorian home. As we’re talking, the phone rings, and as the receptionist, it’s my job to answer. I’m still talking with him as I pick the phone up.)

Me: “They might have to condemn it.” *on phone* [Law Office], how can I help you?”

Client: “Did you just curse at me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Client: “You did! You just cursed at me! I heard you! You said “damn it” to me. I will not be talked to like that. I demand to speak to [Lawyer] right now!”

Me: “Sir, I didn’t say anything of the like. I was talking about—”

Client: “I heard what you said. I can’t believe you’d say something that horrible over the phone. I want to talk to [Lawyer] RIGHT NOW!”

(I put the client on phone and hand the phone over to my boss, the lawyer, and tell him what just happened.)

Lawyer: *picking up the phone* “Who is this…? Right. Mr. [Client], stop being an a** to my receptionist, d*** it. Now, there, it was said to you. What are you going to do? Nothing? Thought not. Call like that again, and I’ll drop your case.”

(Apparently, this client was always using some rude excuse to talk to the lawyer, just so he could complain. It wasn’t shortly after that he got dropped, because he was calling to harass the legal secretary for saying his name wrong once.)

The Truth Is The Same As Fiction

| PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(Due to unfortunate genetics and a car accident roughly seven years ago, I walk using a cane. Being only 20 and obviously young, I get a lot of questions about it, especially from strangers at work.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going? Anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Nah, I got it.” *sees my cane* “What happened to you?”

Me: “Oh, you know, life isn’t always fair.”

Customer: “No! You gotta use this opportunity to make stuff up and sound cooler!”

Me: “I… got hit by a truck?”

Customer: “Exactly!” *walks away happily, oblivious that I was actually telling the truth*

Treasure These Phone Calls

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Money

(I work in the sales and service department for a publishing company that specializes in religious curriculum. We often get calls from well-meaning but untrained church ladies who volunteer at their church when no one else will, in positions they have no right working at.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Church Lady: “Yes, I am the new treasurer at [Church] and the statement you sent us makes no sense whatsoever. Can you help me?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be more than happy to help you. What is your question?”

Church Lady: “I don’t understand what it means on the bottom, where it says ‘Dollar sign seven-five-period-four-five.’”

Me: “Um… that is the amount your church owes. $75.45.”

Church Lady: “Oh, I guess I’ve just never seen it written like that before.”